


Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor: Season Four

by SupernaturalPrincess9



Series: Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 11:05:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 22,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3726397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalPrincess9/pseuds/SupernaturalPrincess9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My interpretation of the scenes we didn't see on the show, exploring the Wincest dynamic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lazarus Rising (Intermission)

**Author's Note:**

> This series is 100% in sync with canon events/people/places. It can be read as a stand-alone story or be read in conjunction with watching the episodes. Most scenes are postlude - either an extension of the last scene or a new scene. Any scenes that are pre-episode are noted as "prelude" and any scenes that occur at some point during the episode are noted as "intermission".

As soon as Dean had tracked Sam’s cell phone, he and Bobby grabbed a vehicle and traveled east.

Dean was restless. In the passenger seat, he fidgeted, bouncing his knee and cracking his knuckles. He’d shift to the left and then shift to the right before starting all over again by repeating his actions. It was irritating Bobby to no end.

“Dean… you’re driving me nuts, boy. Settle down.” Bobby admonished as he signaled a lane change. “I’m going as fast as I can.”

Dean ran a hand over his face and looked at Bobby. “I know you are… It’s just… I was right there, near him. And then I drove all the way to you. If only I’d stayed, if I had found a way to track him from there, I would be with him right now.” 

All Dean could think about was getting Sam in his arms. He just wanted to feel Sam against him, smell his scent, hold him close… kiss him senseless… take him to bed and love him. Dean needed that so badly. After being in hell, he craved soft touches and sweet kisses and being awash in the gentle love that only Sam could give him.

Bobby sighed. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out that way, but I’m damn glad you came straight to me. I… I thought I’d never see you again and I had to battle my sadness every day, son. It was tough. Just as I’m sure it’s been tough on Sam.”

Dean put a hand on his knee to stop it from bouncing. “I’m sorry, Bobby. Sorry you had to go through that. Sam, too. But you know I didn’t have a choice.”

Bobby glanced at Dean. “You had a choice, Dean. You just didn’t like the other option of living without Sam.”

Dean looked down at his hands. It was weird to see them scar free after so many years of injuries. He thought about how he’d used those hands to tend to Sam’s wounds, to wipe away his tears, to take care of him… to touch him and to love him and to prep him for Dean. 

“Living without Sam isn’t an option, Bobby.” Dean whispered. “Not for me.”

Bobby nodded. He knew that. It still scared him because he imagined that the love those two had for each other would always drive their decisions… and they would act without thinking and it would come back to haunt them.

“Son… I know you think you can’t live without Sam, but some day you might have to and I’m just saying there are options.” Bobby’s words were hard for Dean to hear, so he chose to ignore them. At least for now.

“I don’t need to think about that now, Bobby. We’re on the way to reunite me with my brother. And I cannot fucking wait to see him. And hold him tight.” Dean’s eyes were bright with hope and love.

Bobby smiled wryly at Dean. “Well, one thing’s for certain. Sam’s gonna be in for a shocker.”

Dean furrowed his brows. “Yeah… unless… unless… oh my god… do you think he made a deal to get me out? Like… a deal like I made?” Dean was worried now. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d gotten out of hell, but it was likely Sam was somehow involved. What if… what if he gave his life?

Bobby swallowed past the lump in his throat. If Sam made a deal… he was going to kick his ass. “No. I don’t think anyone would take that deal, Dean. If were as simple as a deal like you made, Sam would have had you back in one, maybe two days, tops.”

Dean let himself relax. So something else, then. He could work with that. As he let his worry drain away, Dean was overwhelmed with an intense longing for Sam. He had to get to him soon or he’d go nuts.

“Can you go faster, Bobby?” Dean asked, trying to keep his need for Sam out of his expression.

Bobby pressed the accelerator just a little bit closer to the floor, adding 10mph to their speed. “Any faster than that, Dean, we risk being pulled over. And with the arsenal in the back, I’d prefer to avoid unnecessary complications.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah… ok… just… hurry. I… “ Dean let his sentence trail off, unable to keep talking as tears filled his eyes. He was going to be so happy to see Sam. He looked at the clock and calculated how much longer it would be. Three hours maybe. He’d be holding Sam in his arms in three hours.

Bobby smiled at Dean. “I know you need your brother, Dean. And I’m going to deliver you to him, safe and sound.”

Dean smiled at Bobby. “Thanks.”

 _Two hours and fifty-eight minutes._ Dean thought to himself. _And then I’ll be with Sam._


	2. Lazarus Rising (Postlude)

Their first night together after Dean came back from hell was spent at Bobby’s. The mood this time was far more celebratory. Bobby made a big pot roast with all the fixins and Dean dug into it like a man who hadn’t seen food in ages.

Bobby tried to ignore the lingering looks between Sam and Dean. Dean’s time in hell had apparently screwed up their timing because those looks full of intense longing never happened at the same time. One would stare and then look away quickly and then the other would do the same. 

But it was clear – everything was clear – when one looked at the other. Bobby figured the boys would disappear upstairs not long after dinner; it wasn’t lost on him that spending time with ol’ Bobby wasn’t going to be a priority for either of them any time soon.

Dean pushed himself back from the table and patted his belly. “Good eats, Bobby. Thanks.” Dean smiled at Bobby and then glanced at Sam, who was watching his brother with an enraptured look on his face. 

When Sam realized he should stop staring at Dean and contribute to the conversation, he cleared his throat and looked at Bobby. “Yeah… thanks, Bobby. It’s really good to be back here with you.”

Bobby looked at Sam. Last time he’d seem him, he’d looked so haunted… desperate… inconsolable. Now, with Dean at his side, the old Sam was back. 

“Glad to have ya here, boy.” Bobby said. “You know you’re always welcome… uh, mi casa es su casa and all that…”

Dean stood and stretched, causing his t-shirt to rise, providing anyone who cared to look a really good view of his abs and hips, muscles taut and flexing. Bobby didn’t much care about that view, but he caught Sam’s eyes making an up and down journey, causing Bobby to shake his head as he turned away, hands full of plates. “Why don’t you two go upstairs or out in the yard and catch up? I’ve got this.”

Dean scratched his belly and let his t-shirt fall. “You sure, Bobby? We can help…”

Bobby looked back over his shoulder as he went into the kitchen, thinking about how good it was to see his two boys standing there together again. “Nah – go ahead. I’m fine. Catch up.”

“Thanks, Bobby!” Dean said loudly as he turned and grabbed Sam’s hand, pulling him toward the stairs. They ascended together, hand in hand, just as they had on their last night together. Sam felt good. Dean was by his side and he felt whole. 

Dean pushed the bedroom door open and led Sam inside. Once in their usual room, Sam pulled Dean into his arms, holding him close.

“Missed you.” Sam whispered as he let his hands travel up and down Dean’s back.

Dean snorted and pushed Sam away. “Yeah… about that. Did you?” Dean asked heatedly, all loving pretense gone.

Sam looked at his brother in surprise. “Of course I did, Dean. I’ve done nothing but try to get you back for the last 4 months. I told you that.” Sam looked confused and perplexed, frustrating Dean.

Dean turned and went to one of the twin beds. He sat on it and rubbed his face with his hands. He was tired and every now and again he’d get a hell flashback that caused enough pain to take his breath away. It was fucking with his emotions. He knew he should just stop talking, but he couldn’t quite stop himself. “Yeah? Missed me so much that you were fucking Cathy or Chrissy or Christy or whatever the fuck that girl’s name was?”

Sam pressed his fingers into his furrowed brow. “That didn’t mean anything, Dean… you have no idea how alone I’ve felt since you’ve been gone. I was devastated… I can’t even tell you about all the nights I spent alone, crying myself to sleep… having nightmares about you in hell… wanting you with me so badly… waking up reaching for you, night after night… God…” Sam wiped his tears away with the palms of his hands. “If I sought solace with someone… please don’t hold that against me… please…” 

Sam threw himself on the other bed and let his tears flow. He wished that he’d been alone when Bobby and Dean had knocked on his door. He wished Ruby hadn’t been in her underwear at least. Then maybe they could have avoided this conversation. Sam’s heart stuttered when he realized that Dean would likely find out that had been Ruby in his room – not some one night stand.

The thought of Dean finding out made Sam cry harder. All he had wanted – for months – was Dean back in his arms, and this… this was going to drive a wedge between them. He could cry his way out of a meaningless one night stand… but fucking Ruby and lying about who she was when Dean showed up… Dean would have a hard time forgiving that.

Sam tried to get himself back under control. He tried to convince himself to come clean about all of that with Dean. 

But he was scared. Especially since Dean hadn’t reacted to his crying at all. Normally, he wouldn’t let Sam go on this long. Sam shivered as an icy fear washed over him. Maybe he’d broken his relationship with Dean forever. He couldn’t bear that if it were true.

Across the room, Dean sighed. He could never stand to see Sam cry. This night was no different. He blew out a long, deep breath and stood, before crossing the room to turn off the overhead light. He then went to the bed where Sam lay crying. 

“Move over, Sam.” Dean whispered, pushing his brother lightly with his hand.

Sam slid over a little but continued to cry, even as Dean gathered him in his arms. Dean lay back with Sam in his arms and closed his eyes, trying to block out the occasional flashback to his time in hell. Sam’s tears dampened Dean’s shirt. 

Dean wanted to comfort his brother more, but he was still hurt by Sam’s… infidelity. In some ways he felt stupid… he’d been gone and as far as Sam knew at the time, he was going to be gone forever so it wasn’t a betrayal… but Dean just couldn’t help feeling that it was on some level.

Sam twisted his hand in Dean’s shirt as he listened to his brother’s heartbeat. This wasn’t the reunion he had wanted. He wished he could do it all over again – and do it right. He wished he’d been able to pull Dean into a heated embrace and that they’d kissed passionately as they hurried to the bed, losing themselves in each other for hours.

That is how Sam had wanted to welcome Dean back.

Instead, he’d ruined everything.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Sam whispered through his tears.

Dean sighed. He knew Sam was sorry, but that didn’t change how he felt right now. And how he felt? Well, he wondered if Sam had really wanted him back from hell at all. It was a harrowing thought.

“Go to sleep, Sammy.” Dean whispered back. He wasn’t in the mood to talk and he just wanted to wake up in the morning and try again to find some equilibrium with his brother.

Sam eventually stopped crying and drifted off to sleep. Dean continued to stare at the ceiling, wondering what the future held for both of them. Exhaustion finally overtook him as he slipped into a restless slumber.

Down the hall, Bobby was still awake. He’d heard one of the boys – probably Sam by the sound of it – crying. For a long time. His boys didn’t have the type of reunion Bobby had thought they might. He suspected it had a lot to do with the fact that Sam had had that girl in his room when they got there. Dean had been so excited to see Sam, as Bobby thought back to the drive from Sioux Falls to Cicero. 

Bobby hoped the boys could get past that and get back to what they used to have together.

Bobby punched his pillow, trying to get it to the right height. “Balls.” Bobby muttered as he flipped to his other side. It was going to be a long night for the three of them.


	3. Are You There God? It's Me, Dean Winchester

“Why are you asking me about all this?” Sam asked Dean.

Dean just looked at Sam for a few moments and then spoke. “Because… what if it’s all true? Angels, god… the whole thing?” Dean ran a hand over his face. “I don’t want to believe in that stuff… and yet there’s this… Castiel… and now the Witnesses… the seals… what the hell is happening, Sam?”

Sam slid over on the sofa and patted the cushion next to him. Dean got up off the floor and moved to sit by Sam. Sam rubbed Dean’s neck gently. “I don’t know what’s happening, Dean, but would it be so bad if God were real and angels existed?”

Dean sighed and leaned back, pulling Sam with him. “I don’t know, Sammy.” Dean thought about everything they hunted, everything they dealt with on a daily basis. “But if I had to guess,” he added, “we haven’t seen anything supernatural actually be good, right?”

Sam thought about that statement for a while. Dean was right, even though Sam wanted him to be wrong about this. “Yeah…” he eventually agreed, because he couldn’t disagree no matter how badly he wanted to.

They were silent for a while, just holding each other. Things had been tense since Dean returned, especially at night when they tried to decide exactly where and how to sleep. They hadn’t even kissed yet. It reminded Sam of their early days of uncertainty and doubt about what was growing between them. 

Sam hoped they didn’t need another Croatoan-like night to bring them back to a good place.

Dean was still hurt about Sam finding time for sex while he was in hell, but he was learning to put it behind him. Sam had thought he’d never have Dean back, so it was understandable, but painful nonetheless. Dean loved holding Sam close to him. 

He ultimately decided he should just enjoy these moments with Sam and they could try to move on from here. After all, they’d been through so much over the last two years, it was painfully obvious that time was never a friend of theirs and there was no real point in wasting it.

Dean turned his head and kissed Sam’s forehead. Or tried to, but Sam had so much hair… it made it hard. Sam made a little whimpering sound at the contact. That made Dean feel guilty for being so distant since his first night back. 

Dean took his fingers and used them to tilt Sam’s head back so they could look at each other.

“Sammy.” Dean whispered as they looked into one another’s eyes. Sam looked back at Dean, feeling uncertain and a little scared. Dean watched the emotions play over Sam’s face. He leaned down and captured Sam’s lips with his own, giving him a slow, gentle kiss. 

Sam made a low, needy sound as he wrapped his arms around his brother.

“Dean…” he murmured into his brother’s mouth. Dean deepened the kiss, using his thumb to caress Sam’s cheek as they kissed. Sam shivered in Dean’s arms, causing Dean to pull him closer. He continued to stroke Sam’s cheek as they kissed, delighting in the softness of Sam’s skin and the way their lips melded together as they reconnected.

Maybe they wouldn’t take it further than this for a while, but for now, kissing one another and acknowledging what they’d shared began to heal a little bit of the rift that had existed between them since Dean’s return.

Bobby had the misfortune of picking that moment to tell the boys that breakfast was ready. He walked into the living area and was confronted with Sam and Dean locked into a deep kiss that was clearly something that wasn’t new to either of them. 

Bobby spun on his heels and went directly back into the kitchen, muttering “Balls” under his breath as he went.

It was one thing to hear it through the walls of a motel room. Seeing the intensity of what Sam and Dean had between them in the daylight was something else entirely and Bobby knew that particular image would stay with him until his last day on the planet. 

One might think the physicality of their relationship would be what Bobby struggled with; but what really kept him up at night was the fact he was glad they had each other and wasn’t really bothered by their physical relationship at all.


	4. In The Beginning

Dean was angry with Sam. 

No, Dean was, in fact, furious with Sam for lying to him about exploring his powers. He was even angrier about Sam’s lies about Ruby. Well, not so much about the lies… but about sleeping with her. The very thought of that made Dean sick to his stomach, for multiple reasons, not the least of which was the relationship he and Sam had shared before he’d gone to hell. _He’d given his own life for Sam’s._

He hadn’t even been gone four months, and not only did Sam give into the temptation of exploring his powers, but he’d established a sexual relationship – not just a one night stand – but repeated fucking. Dean felt like he was going insane. He couldn’t even let himself fully contemplate the possibility of his brother fucking a demon. It would send him into a tailspin if he allowed himself to spend time thinking about the mechanics of it.

When Dean brought Sam back to their room, he threw Sam up against the wall and held him there more with the look in his eyes than with actual physical force. The fury, hurt, confusion and ire Dean felt rolled out of him in waves. 

Sam was scared. He knew he’d fucked up big time. He had no intention of sleeping with Ruby again now that Dean was back, but that didn’t make sneaking around behind Dean’s back any more acceptable. Not to mention the fact that Dean had watched him exorcise a demon with his mind… after he’d told Sam to never try to explore his powers.

“How could you?” Dean hissed, not really knowing which subject he wanted to address – Sam fucking a demon, Sam lying to him, Sam exploring his powers or just generally the clusterfuckery of Sam’s decisions over the last few months since Dean had been gone.

Sam tried to meet Dean’s eyes, but he couldn’t. “I’m sorry…” Sam whispered, his voice tiny and small, sounding devastated. Tears welled in Sam’s eyes and he tried to keep them from falling. He wanted to sob even though he knew it wasn’t going to help him make amends with Dean. Not this time.

Dean wanted to punch Sam. He really did. He had his hand fisted, ready to punch. But he wasn’t going to stoop to that level, no matter how pissed he was. Not on this occasion, at least. Dean closed his eyes as he sighed and turned away. “Pack your shit, Sam.”

Sam just leaned against the wall, breathing heavily with emotion as he watched Dean walk into the bathroom to grab his toiletries. Sam didn’t move. He wasn’t afraid of Dean but he sure the hell was afraid of losing him. Dean was clearly angrier than Sam had ever seen him. Sam knew it wasn’t just anger that Dean was feeling, either. 

“Dean.” Sam whispered as Dean walked by him on his way to his duffel.

Dean stopped but didn’t look at Sam. “I told you to pack your shit, Sam.” 

Sam pitched forward and fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around Dean’s thighs and laying his head on his hip. “Dean, please… I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you… I shouldn’t have snuck out… I shouldn’t have…”

Dean wrenched himself away from Sam. “Stop right there, Sam. I don’t want you to confirm to me what I suspect you did with that demon. If you do, I will never be able to touch you again.” Dean’s voice shook with anger. “Ever.”

Sam laid his palms on the floor and hung his head, trying to keep himself from screaming in anguish. “Ok… ok, Dean.” Sam whispered before pushing himself up off the floor and onto his feet. Once standing he went over to Dean and reached his hand out, tentatively laying it on his brother’s shoulder.

“I’ll never be able to make this up to you, Dean.” Sam said softly. “I know that. But I’m gonna try.” Sam paused and waited to see if Dean would move or talk. 

He did not.

“I love you more than anything, Dean.” Sam said more loudly, trying to drive the point home. “You were all I thought about when you were gone. Every waking thought was of you. I was desperate, crazed, out of my mind in my pursuit of finding a way to bring you back.”

Dean shook his head but said nothing.

“I love you, Dean. That’ll never change. You’re my brother and I’d die for you – but it’s more than that, for me. You’re my anchor, the thing that keeps me true. I thought I was making the right decisions, the decisions that would lead me back to you.” Sam puffed out a breath. “I know I failed you… but I didn’t mean to… And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you.”

Dean said nothing as Sam went to pack.


	5. Metamorphosis

“This is my choice.” Sam said after declaring he wasn’t going to use his powers for anybody.

Dean looked over at Sam, assessing his commitment to his statement. He’d wanted Sam to stop for him, in the most selfish way; however, he knew that Sam had to make his own choices. He wasn’t a little boy anymore and Dean was no longer in charge like when they were kids.

Dean nodded as he continued to stuff items in his duffel. “That’s good, Sammy.” Dean was working hard to get over his anger and hurt about Ruby and Sam’s choices. He knew his brother was goodness and light and could fight the demon blood inside him. Until Sam gave him a real reason not to, Dean was going to trust in at least that much. 

Being mad at Sam hurt Dean almost as much as Sam had himself. Dean watched Sam packing his own bag and could see that he was hurting, too. Dean knew it was because Sam was scared of what was inside him, how things had gone down between them since he’d been back and not knowing what the future held. 

He also knew his brother could use some comfort.

Putting his remaining hurt and anger aside, Dean crossed the room and stood next to Sam.

“Hey.” Dean said as he reached for Sam’s hand, taking it in his own. “I’m glad you’re making this choice, Sammy.” Dean smiled at his brother, hoping to see a smile in return.

Sam looked at the floor, afraid to meet Dean’s eyes… and afraid to hope that Dean might yet forgive him. “Thanks, Dean.”

Dean tugged Sam’s hand, trying to get him to respond more. “I mean it, Sammy.” Sam looked at Dean, seeing the truth behind his words. 

Sam blinked rapidly to hold back tears. He’d been afraid that Dean would never touch him again. And yet here he was, holding his hand. 

Dean noted Sam’s attempts at keeping his emotions in check. He felt his heart stutter. He’d been hurting Sam with his actions, he knew – he could see it. He’d lashed out and made sure to hurt Sam as much as he felt Sam had hurt him. The difference was, Dean knew, that Sam hadn’t meant to hurt him… while Dean had certainly meant to hurt Sam.

It was time to make up for it.

Dean pulled Sam into his arms, wrapping him up in a hug, holding him tight. Sam let out a long breath and a little sob, causing Dean to pull him even closer. Dean closed his eyes against the pain of knowing that Sam had needed his love but had gotten his anger instead. 

“Don’t cry, Sammy.” Dean whispered.

Sam wrapped his arms more tightly around Dean, holding him as tightly as he could. “God, Dean… I’ve missed you… your touch… so much.”

“Me too.” Dean whispered back. “I love you, Sammy… even when I’m angry.”

The brothers held each other tight and said nothing more; they just let the love between them begin healing the pain. 

Eventually Dean pulled back from Sam and looked up at him. “You ok, little brother?”

Sam pressed his lips together to stop them from trembling. He knew if he opened his mouth to talk, he’d start bawling like a baby so he just nodded instead.

Dean pulled his brows together and frowned. He’d hoped holding each other would make Sam feel better, but clearly he was still upset. 

Dean took Sam’s hand and led him to a bed. They needed to go, but Dean knew that they needed each other more. He pulled Sam down with him and brought him into a hug. Sam let out a long sigh as he wrapped his arms around Dean.

Dean kissed Sam’s temple. And then his cheek. And then he pulled Sam’s face to his and kissed him, slowly moving their lips together, letting the kiss go where it would. When Dean ran his tongue over Sam’s upper lip and then slid it into his mouth, Sam shuddered and moaned.

Dean deepened the kiss, using his lips and tongue to heal the rift that had been tearing them apart recently. Dean wasn’t going to allow this to go past kissing at this point, but he needed this closeness with Sam to restore his faith in them and their relationship.

After several minutes, Dean broke their kiss and rested his forehead on Sam’s. “We should hit the road, Sammy.” Dean whispered. “But… I love you, ok? Just want you to know that.”

Sam kissed Dean quickly. “I love you, too, Dean. Always.”

Dean smiled at Sam as he pulled him to his feet. The brothers resumed packing in a silence that was peaceful for the first time in a long while.


	6. Monster Movie

Sam and Dean walked away from Oktoberfest and back to the Impala. They took their usual seats and Dean started the car and quickly had them back on the road within minutes of leaving the grounds.

They were 20 miles down the road before anyone spoke. Sam looked over at Dean, his expression flat. “So… how was losing your virginity for a second time?”

Dean looked over at Sam in surprise. “What?”

Sam sighed and looked out the window. “Your ‘happy ending’… the undoing of your rehymenization…”

Dean looked over at Sam. Sam was trying hard to not look hurt, but he wasn’t very successful in that endeavor. Dean reached over and tugged Sam’s hand, trying to get him to move across the bench seat.

“I’m good here, Dean.” Sam said without looking at his brother as he half-heartedly tried to pull his hand away from Dean’s. 

Sam was devastated that Dean had chosen some random woman to be his first time after getting back from hell. Sam had been right next to him, in the other bed, night after night wanting nothing more than to be Dean’s first time.

Dean tugged harder and Sam reluctantly slid over on the seat. He knew there was no point in fighting it. Ultimately, he could never refuse Dean anything. 

Dean wrapped his arm around Sam, pulling him to his side, and then he kissed his cheek quickly. Sam was still holding his body stiffly, not yielding to Dean’s overtures.

“You really want to know about my happy ending, Sammy?” Dean asked softly.

“No.” Sam said sullenly, looking out the passenger side window.

“Yeah? Well, I want to tell you.” Dean said. 

Sam didn’t respond or look in Dean’s direction. He had zero desire to hear about the wonderful night Dean spent banging some chick. And then kissing her right in front of him.

Dean sighed softly and continued. “I’ve got my happy ending right now, Sammy. Heading off into the sunset in the Impala with you by my side.” 

Sam looked at Dean in surprise. Dean winked at him, smiling gently. “Yeah, Sammy… you’re always gonna be my happy ending.”

Sam laid his hand on Dean’s leg, squeezing gently, a small smile on his face. He loved the words Dean had said to him. Sam loved that somewhere inside Dean existed a romantic. When he showed that side of himself to Sam, Sam could never resist him, even if he were angry at the time.

Sam’s smile faltered when he remembered that Dean’s hands had been on someone else the night before. Sam hated the thought of Dean’s beautiful hands roving over someone else. Especially since they’d barely been on him since Dean came back.

“As to your other question, I don’t know how losing my virginity for a second time was. It hasn’t happened yet.” Dean watched the road ahead.

Sam looked at Dean in surprise once again. “But… you were gone all night and you kissed Jamie…”

Dean glanced at Sam quickly. “I know. I stayed with her, she was pretty freaked out after everything. But we didn’t actually do anything.” Dean paused as he thought about the night before. She had definitely wanted to do something, and Dean, if he were being honest with himself, he had wanted to do something, too.

But then he’d thought of Sam and he knew that his first time after being in hell had to be with him. So he’d brushed off Jamie’s advances to the point where she’d accused him of being married. When he’d convinced her he wasn’t, she’d accused him of being gay. He’d told her he wasn’t gay and then she’d asked about Sam and whether or not they had a thing.

That he couldn’t deny – so he didn’t even try. Jamie found Dean’s fluid sexuality intriguing so they’d discussed it quite a bit. Dean didn’t go into great detail, but he alluded to the fact that he’d been away and while he was gone, Sam had been with someone else. He’d told Jamie how much that hurt him. 

Dean was fairly certain that for that very reason, Jamie had kissed him before he and Sam had left. Deep down, he’d been thankful for it because he was human and there was a tiny part of him who had wanted to get back at Sam. Not all the way back at him by sleeping with Jamie – but a little dig. Dean wasn’t proud of it, but that was the truth.

Dean continued. “I was surprised when she kissed me, but rolled with it because she kept asking questions about you… about us… hinting that she thought maybe you and I were partners in more than just our work lives.” Dean let that taper off for Sam to consider. It was not the entire truth, but enough of it.

“Huh.” was all Sam could say as he processed this information.

Dean looked at Sam quickly. “That’s all you can say as I tell you that I’m saving my virginity for you?”

“Pull over.” Sam said. Dean did, without question, turning off the engine when they were safely out of traffic. 

Sam took Dean’s hand in his, tracing circles in his palm. “Last night I waited up for you. Things have been better between us – not like they used to be, but better – and I thought… maybe… you’d come home.” Sam paused and sighed. “To me.”

Dean looked at his brother, seeing the hurt in his eyes. Dean leaned forward and kissed Sam softly. “I’m sorry, Sammy.”

Sam nodded and continued to draw circles in Dean’s palm. “I waited and waited… hoping you’d choose me, Dean.” Sam’s voice was soft but his words couldn’t have had a bigger impact if he’d screamed them. Sam didn’t tell Dean that he’d cried himself to sleep, but Dean could see it in his eyes. Sam could hide his emotions when he chose to, but right now he was letting Dean see everything he was feeling.

Dean pulled Sam into his arms. “Aww, Sammy. I’m sorry.” Sam turned his head and rested it on Dean’s shoulder. Dean held Sam, rocking him a little. 

“I’ll always choose you, Sammy.” Dean whispered. “You know that even if there’s the occasional woman, I’ll always choose you. We talked about it, Sam – for both you and me – more than once.”

“I know.” Sam said. “I know that… but it’s still hard.”

“I know, Sammy.” Dean nuzzled Sam’s neck. “But nothing happened last night… and when something does, it will be with you, ok? I promise.” Dean wanted to take Sam’s hurt away, but all he could do right now is hold Sam and hope that he could feel the truth between them: there would never truly be anyone else for either of them. 

Their love was written in the stars.


	7. Yellow Fever

Sam pulled Dean closer to him. They were lying in bed, cuddling together for comfort more than anything. At least initially. They’d almost lost each other again. Sam was thankful that his theory about scaring the ghost worked. 

“Sammy.” Dean whispered. 

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for saving me today. That was a close one.” Dean nuzzled in closer, relishing the heat of his brother’s body. He was glad they’d crawled into bed naked.

“When my heart was slowing, all I could think about was the fact that we haven’t been together since I’ve been back… that we wasted all this time hiding things from one another, being angry, hurting each other… when we could have just… appreciated being alive and back together.” Dean sighed.

Sam smiled and kissed Dean’s cheek. “Yeah… we could have done that, Dean… but that’s not really in our nature, is it?”

Dean looked into Sam’s eyes. He thought they were the most beautiful eyes he’d ever seen. He couldn’t argue with Sam on this point so he just nodded his head in agreement before rolling on top of Sam.

Dean looked down into the face of the one person who meant more to him than anything else in this world, or any other. Dean lowered his head and began kissing Sam with obvious intent. He used his tongue to lick and probe and thrust into Sam’s mouth. 

Sam arched against Dean and moaned into his mouth as he grabbed Dean’s ass and ground their hips together. Dean lifted his head and focused on the sensation of their swiftly hardening cocks grinding together.

“Fuck yeah, Sammy…” Dean moaned loudly.

Sam grabbed Dean’s face with his hands and brought their lips together in a hungry kiss. Sam thrust his hips up into Dean’s, seeking friction. It had been so long since he felt the hardness of his brother’s cock against him and he found himself desperate to have Dean inside him.

Sam couldn’t bring himself to ask Dean… so he tried to show him how much he needed to be the one who opened himself to the other. Sam wrapped his legs around Dean’s hips and rolled them together, simulating a position that was typical for them: face to face, completely connected everywhere… making love.

Dean broke their kiss and planted soft kisses across Sam’s forehead and cheeks before looking deep into his eyes. “Wanna be inside you, Sammy.” Dean whispered. It was clear that was what Sam wanted and Dean wanted to give it to him. He could have Sam inside him next time.

Sam shivered. “Want that, too, Dean.”

Dean kissed Sam slowly, taking his time before he breathed out. “I know, little brother… can’t wait to give you what you need.”

Sam moaned as he reached over to the nightstand and drew open the door, rummaging around inside of it for a moment before successfully grabbing the lube. Without saying a word, he handed it to Dean and then pulled his face down for a heated kiss.

Dean took his time prepping Sam, teasing him, making him needy. Sam repeatedly begged Dean to get inside him, but Dean just kept Sam on edge, teasing the sensitive flesh before plunging his fingers deep inside of Sam. After a while, it wasn’t enough for Dean to just feel how wet Sam was. He wanted to see, too.

So Dean kissed his way down Sam’s torso, sometimes licking softly or nipping his flesh. When he was low enough, he gently lapped at Sam’s precome, causing Sam to buck his hips and shout out his brother’s name.

“Dean! Oh Jesus…” Sam closed his eyes against the pleasure. He’d wanted and needed this for so long. He couldn’t believe it was finally happening.

Dean dragged his tongue down the back of Sam’s cock and then rested his cheek there as he watched his fingers slide in and out of Sam.

“God… Sammy…” Dean groaned as he watched his fingers disappear inside of Sam. “Do you have any idea how much I love doing this to you? Watching you take my fingers inside you like this…” Dean felt Sam’s cock pulse beneath his cheek and he could imagine the precome dripping out of the tip.

If Dean was going to lose his revirginized innocence tonight, he was going to make sure it was memorable. He turned his head and lapped at the head of Sam’s cock as Sam watched, his eyes wide and his pupils blown with need.

When Sam’s moans filled the room, along with his pleading for release, Dean finally rolled on top of Sam and slid himself deep inside his brother. His thrusting was gentle at first, but as their desire intensified, so did his efforts until he was pounding his cock into his brother – fucking him right into the mattress.

With every thrust, they moaned and groaned and gasped out each other’s names. Their kisses became frenzied as Dean’s cock hit Sam’s prostate over and over. Dean was panting hard when he broke their kiss and looked down at his brother.

Sam was sweaty and his eyes were wide with awe and lust. When Dean wrapped his hand around Sam’s cock, Sam shouted out with need. Dean stroked Sam in time with his thrusts and it wasn’t long before Sam came.

“Oh god! Dean!” Sam cried out as his orgasm wrenched through him. He was so overwhelmed, he let his arms fall wide and just gave himself over to the sensation of being taken by his brother. Dean continued to pound his cock into Sam, trembling with his effort and his emotions as he felt Sam tightening around him as his cock pulsed. 

Dean closed his eyes and finally let himself go, groaning and babbling as he surrendered to his own orgasm. “Fuck yeah, Sammy… god, I love you… unggg… fuck… yeah…”

Dean collapsed onto Sam and felt Sam’s arms go around him, holding him tight. He felt right for the first time since he’d been back. “Love you, Sammy…” Dean whispered as he rolled off to the right, pulling Sam with him.

Sam followed Dean’s roll and nestled himself in the crook of Dean’s arm. “Love you, too, Dean.” Sam said before kissing his brother’s lips tenderly, letting the kiss linger before snuggling in for sleep. They touched each other softly, with love… just running their hands wherever they would go… feeling one another as they reconnected.

It wasn’t long before they were sleeping soundly, with smiles of contentment on their faces.

Next door, Bobby lifted his pillow off his head, carefully listening for any noise coming from Sam and Dean’s room. Hearing nothing, he fluffed his pillow and tried to get some shut eye. He made a mental note to get a non-adjacent room in the future.

When Bobby was awoken two hours later by lusty moans and groans coming from the boys’ room, he sat up and picked up the phone.

“Front desk.”

“Uh, yeah… don’t suppose you have any vacant rooms I could move to?” Bobby asked with hope.

“No sir. Is there a problem with your current room?” the voice asked.

Bobby sighed and wrote a note to himself to have ear plugs on hand in the future as well. “Nah… it’s ok. I’ll deal.” Bobby hung up and tried burying his head under his pillow again.

“Balls.” Bobby said as he tried to settle in.


	8. It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester

After Sam fell asleep in his arms, Dean carefully extracted himself from their embrace and got dressed silently. Dean looked down at Sam, who was sleeping peacefully, before grabbing the room key and going outside.

Once outside of the room, Dean took a deep breath and exhaled into the crisp air. He stared up at the night sky, taking in the stars shining brightly in the blackness above him. Sometimes he wondered about what else might be up there, but tonight the stars held no comfort or interest for him. 

Tonight, they looked too much like the embers of the Samhain’s demon smoke burning into the floor as Sam had exorcized it with his mind.

Dean tried so hard, but he couldn’t get the image of Sam exorcising Samhain without words, using only the power of his mind. It scared him to think that Sam had that kind of power inside him. His sweet, kind, gentle little brother could hold out his hand and focus his mind… and kill demons, even strong ones like Samhain. 

Dean walked the length of the motel several times, trying to clear his head.

Sam’s hand reaching out to kill. Sam’s hand touching Dean’s face, so gentle and sure. Sam’s hand held tightly in his. Sam’s hand focusing his power. Dean growled in frustration when he couldn’t fully clear his mind of the images.

Eventually he went to the Impala and sat on the hood. He knew he should just go back inside the room and get back into bed with Sam, but he just couldn’t do it yet. He needed his brain to be in a quieter place before he did. 

His brain was anything but quiet at the moment.

Dean thought about the last words his dad spoken to him. Were these powers the thing Dean was supposed to save Sam from? Were they good? Were they bad? After all, Sam was able to exorcize demons without hurting the humans in which they resided… that was good. Wasn’t it? 

On the other hand, the powers weren’t natural so that was bad… wasn’t it?

Dean rubbed his hands over his face, trying to erase everything except for his love for Sam from his mind. Dean conjured up a picture of Sam’s face, smiling at him just before their lips met in an achingly sweet kiss. He’d try to hold onto that image for as long as he could.

Thoughts of Sam’s powers crept back in, causing Dean to sigh heavily. He knew he wasn’t going to solve this tonight so he might as well try to get some sleep. 

Dean slid off the Impala and went back to the motel room. When the lock snicked shut, Sam stirred.

“Dean?” Sam said sleepily, reaching for his brother. “Where are you?”

Dean put the motel key on the table by the door and kicked off his boots before stripping off his clothes. “Right here, Sammy. I’m here.”

Sam made a small whimpering noise to encourage Dean to get back into bed. Dean smiled. He loved all of Sam’s little noises. And his bigger noises, too… but those little needy noises that Sam used to beg for Dean’s touch warmed his heart and made him feel all melty inside. 

Not that he’d ever tell anyone.

Dean slipped under the covers and gathered Sam in his arms. “Right here, Sammy.” Dean whispered as he planted a kiss on Sam’s cheek.

Sam burrowed into Dean’s arms. “Missed you…” he murmured before falling back to sleep.

Dean hugged Sam close. “Missed you, too, Sammy.” 

And he had. Dean always felt a hundred times better when Sam was safe and in his arms.

Dean settled in to sleep, focusing on the goodness he knew was inside his brother. Everything else could be dealt with in time.


	9. Wishful Thinking

Dean didn’t talk much on the way to their next motel. Sam had wanted to hold Dean close after Dean revealed that he remembered hell, but he could tell that Dean didn’t want to be touched. Sam had spent most of the drive with his stomach in knots as he tried to imagine what his brother had been through.

He didn’t want to think about strange hands torturing his brother while Sam himself had been top side, wanting to use his own hands to love Dean.

They stopped at a diner before finding a motel. Dinner wasn’t much better than the car ride; very few words were spoken. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, however. Not like times when Sam and Dean were at odds. This time it was just a peaceful, steady quiet born out of familiarity and mutual understanding, which both brothers needed for their own thoughts.

When they got to the motel room, they unloaded their gear in silence and unpacked in the room, as was their routine. Sam jumped when Dean finally spoke.

“Sorry I’ve been so quiet, Sammy.” Dean said as he sat down on the bed closest to the door. Dean rubbed a hand over his face, trying to ease some of the tension inside him. The afternoon had taken a lot of out of him, between talking about hell with Sam and having regular flashbacks.

Sam looked at Dean. He could see how weary his brother was. Briefly, Sam wondered if there would ever be a time in their lives when they weren’t weary. He suspected not. 

Sam sighed deeply and walked over to Dean. As he sat next to him on the bed, he ran his hand down the back of Dean’s head, finally resting it on his neck. “It’s ok, Dean. I understand.” Sam said softly.

Dean turned his face and rubbed his cheek on Sam’s forearm, causing Sam to smile at him. Sam loved his brother beyond reason. Dean meant more to him than anyone or anything and he always would. Sam was overwhelmed with the need to comfort Dean; to try to take away even just a little bit of his pain.

“I want to do something for you, Dean.” Sam said as he gently massaged Dean’s neck. “Will you let me – no questions asked?”

Dean looked at Sam. He trusted his brother – at least in this context – more than anyone else so he nodded his assent.

Sam stood, pulling Dean with him. He turned to face Dean and took Dean’s hands in his. “I can’t imagine what you went through, Dean, in hell…” Sam said quietly. “But I can imagine it wasn’t good. I can imagine pain.” 

Sam felt tears well in his eyes. “I can imagine… so many bad things. And I know I can’t really know what you went through, but what I’m certain of is that there was no love there. And right now… I just want to love you. Will you let me love you?” 

Dean reached up and wiped Sam’s tears from his face. “Sammy…” Dean sighed as he looked at his little brother. A man now, with stunning features and a kindness – an empathy for others. Dean knew he was lucky to have someone like Sam at his side.

Sam cupped Dean’s face in his hands and kissed him softly. As he deepened the kiss, he began unbuttoning Dean’s shirt. Sam slowly removed all of Dean’s clothes, kissing him as he stripped off every item of clothing. When Dean was naked, Sam looked at him and smiled. “Do you know how beautiful you are, Dean?” Sam didn’t wait for a response. “So fucking beautiful.”

Dean kissed Sam’s hand and looked up at him. “So are you, Sammy.”

“Lie down.” Sam said as he quickly stripped off his own clothes. Dean did as Sam asked. Sam slid into bed next to Dean and looked down at him. “I’m going to love you now, ok?”

Dean nodded as Sam straddled him. Sam leaned down and began the process of wrapping his brother up in his love. He kissed Dean’s forehead and left a trail of soft, gentle kisses down one side of Dean’s face and then up the other. He softly kissed Dean’s eyelids, his nose, the corners of this mouth and then finally his lips. “I love you…” Sam breathed out as he kissed his way down Dean’s neck.

The kisses and the caresses weren’t overtly sexual – they were slow, soft, full of love. Sam kissed his way down Dean’s chest. He was holding one of Dean’s hands tightly in his own and then using his other hand to touch his brother as he used his lips to cover his brother in love.

By the time Sam got to Dean’s stomach, Dean was crying. He didn’t even try to hold back his sobs. He felt Sam’s love – he really did, in every touch, in every kiss. He felt safe and cherished and completely overwhelmed by what Sam was doing. 

There was no room in his mind for hell flashbacks or fear – just love.

Sam kissed Dean’s hand before letting it go as he went lower. He kissed the soft skin over his brother’s hip bones and stroked his hands down Dean’s thighs. He kept kissing – not to arouse but to love – all the way down to Dean’s feet. Dean’s tears were still dampening the pillow case under his head, but his sobs had quieted as Sam slowly began his ascent up Dean’s body. 

When Sam’s face was once again above Dean’s, Dean opened his eyes and looked up at his brother. Sam’s eyes were full of love. Dean saw worry and concern as well, but mostly just pure love. Dean couldn’t say anything. He could only reach up and softly stroke his fingers over Sam’s face, trying to tell him without words just how much he’d needed what Sam had given him.

“Now you know.” Sam whispered as he looked down at Dean. 

Dean looked at Sam questioningly. “What?” Dean’s voice was raspy from sobbing.

Sam smiled softly. “Now you know just how much I love you, Dean. No matter what else happens to us or between us… this… this is how I feel about you. I’ve always felt that way about you and I always will feel that way about you.” Sam kissed Dean firmly. “Always.”

Dean wrapped his arms around Sam and pulled him close, holding on as tight as he could. “Thank you, Sammy…” Dean didn’t need to tell Sam that he’d touched him in places no one else had ever been. Sam’s love couldn’t erase Dean’s time in hell but it gave him an anchor – something to use when the flashbacks came. He could remember this night and all the love Sam had inside for him when the pain came.

Sam rolled over, pulling Dean with him. Dean slid his hand up Sam’s chest and placed it over his heart, feeling the steady rhythm. Sam hugged Dean tighter and made a little satisfied noise in his throat as he squeezed.

“Love holding you, Dean.” Sam whispered.

Dean kissed Sam’s chest. “Love being right here, Sammy.” he responded.

They snuggled together for a while, no words, just the sensation of skin against skin, the warmth of their bodies and the love in their hearts. After a while, Dean gently turned Sam’s head and began kissing him. Softly, gently at first and then deeper as their passion grew.

When Sam felt Dean’s cock hardening against his leg, he moaned and broke the kiss. “Need you inside me, Dean.” Sam whispered, his eyes full of need as he looked into Dean’s.

Dean recaptured Sam’s lips in a passionate kiss before whispering, “Wanna be inside you, Sammy.”

Sam smiled as Dean grabbed the lube. He hadn’t expected Dean to want sex after such an emotional day. He’d thought about making love to Dean as an ending to covering him with his love, but he didn’t want to push him too far – or make Dean feel like he didn’t have control. 

Sam felt that Dean having control right now was important since he’d had none in hell.

Dean was glad Sam wanted him to top – not for the reason Sam thought, though. In hell, Dean had jumped off the rack and had tortured souls – giving them nothing but pain. He’d done it because he couldn’t bear another second of pure agony on that rack. 

He hadn’t told Sam about that. He didn’t know if he ever would. He was so ashamed of his weakness. All the pain he had inflicted – thoughts of it plagued him constantly. 

Tonight, he just wanted to forget and to use his hands – his body – to give love.

He did just that.


	10. I Know What You Did Last Summer

After Sam told Dean what had happened while he’d been in hell, Dean had a lot to think about. 

He hadn’t wanted his suspicions about Sam sleeping with Ruby confirmed, but there it was. After everything they’d been through, though, Dean was more thankful that Ruby had saved Sam’s life than worried about any relations he may have had with her.

Dean took one last sip of his drink and set the glass on the bedside table. He pushed himself up on the bed and leaned back against the headboard. Once situated he patted the bed next to him. “C’mere, Sammy.”

Sam stood up and walked over to the bed, fitting himself in next to Dean. Dean wrapped his arm around Sam and pulled him close, kissing his cheek before tucking his head underneath his chin.

“I’m sorry things were so hard for you, Sammy.” Dean said softly. “I’ve been thinking about how many days you had to try to make it through without me.” Dean sighed. 

“I can’t imagine it, Sammy. I had a hard enough time when you… died… in Cold Oak. I couldn’t go 2 days…” Dean paused and shook his head. “You went four months, Sammy. Like 120 days… 60 times what I had to endure.”

“Yeah.” Sam whispered, thinking, too, about the six months he’d had to endure before that when they were in the Mystery Spot with the Trickster.

Dean took Sam’s hand in his, rubbing his thumb across his knuckles. “I don’t blame you for what you did, Sam. I just want you to know that.”

Sam brought Dean’s hand to his lips, kissing it softly. “All I wanted was you back in my arms, Dean… that’s it… that’s what I was working toward.”

Dean pressed a soft kiss to Sam’s temple. “I know, Sammy.”

The boys were quiet for a while, taking comfort in one another’s presence. 

Later, Dean began to speak again. “You know, Sammy… I’ve been so consumed by how I felt about being in hell, about what you’d been doing topside while I was down there… I hadn’t really considered what your time without me had actually been like for you. I just popped up out of the earth and walked right back into your life and figured everything would go back to normal.” 

Dean snorted softly. “So stupid, Sammy… I was so stupid. And selfish. Especially since I knew what it was like to watch you die.” Dean wasn’t proud of himself right now. He should have shown Sam some compassion. He should have asked him sooner about how he’d managed to get through his days without Dean by his side.

“I was so thrilled, Dean.” Sam said quietly, breaking Dean’s reverie. “When Bobby confirmed it was really you… all I wanted to do was pull you to me and kiss you breathless. God… I wanted to just pick you up and carry you to our bed and then lay you down and lose myself in you.” Sam shivered at the thought before continuing. “Obviously we had company so I couldn’t – but god, how I wanted to.” 

Sam smiled as he thought about what it had been like to hold Dean in his arms that first time. “Honestly… unless I really think back on those days without you, forcing myself to remember the emptiness and pain, they don’t plague me… because I know that no matter how hard those days were, they end with you here with me.”

Dean sighed. “I’m glad, Sammy. I can’t stand to see you in pain.”

Sam nestled closer to Dean. “Feel the same way about you, Dean.”

Dean tipped Sam’s face up and placed a soft kiss next to his mouth. “Make out session?” Dean whispered as he gently nibbled on Sam’s lower lip.

“Make out session.” Sam confirmed as he deepened the kiss. Dean growled as Sam sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and teased it with his tongue. When Sam let it go, he kissed his way to Dean’s neck and then whispered, “You know how much I love doing that to your cock?”

Dean moaned and pushed his hips into Sam’s. Dean ran his hand down to Sam’s ass and pulled him tightly to him as he began rolling his hips into Sam’s as they continued to kiss. Sam moaned into Dean’s mouth as he felt Dean get harder and harder. When Dean slid his hand into Sam’s boxers and wrapped his fingers around his cock, Sam threw his head back with a whimper.

“Oh god, Dean…” Sam panted as Dean began stroking him. “Thought we were… uh… mmmm… just gonna make out?”

Dean rolled Sam onto his back and looked down at him. “Love making out with you, Sammy… but right now, I need to feel you.” Dean kissed Sam greedily and then slid down until his face was even with Sam’s cock. Dean smiled when he saw the wet spot on Sam’s boxers. “God, Sammy… so hot when you get wet for me.”

Dean shifted until he could pull Sam’s boxers off. He threw them across the room and returned his focus to Sam. Sam’s eyes were wide and he was panting. When Dean slid his tongue across the tip of Sam’s cock, Sam shuddered and closed his eyes. “Please, Dean… please…”

“Look at me, Sammy.” Dean commanded as he pulled Sam’s cock to his lips. Sam looked down at Dean, his mouth was open and his breathing was uneven. Dean smiled and said, “You know what I’m about to do, right?”

Sam nodded quickly and then held his breath until he felt Dean’s lips wrap around his cock. Sam’s eyelids fluttered as Dean teased him with his tongue. Dean held Sam’s gaze with his own and he smiled knowingly as he let Sam watch him drag his tongue up and down his cock, licking and kissing and moaning from desire. “Love doing this to you, Sammy.” Dean whispered as he sucked his brother down.

When Dean added a hand to the mix, Sam bucked his hips and moaned loudly. As Dean continued his efforts, Sam’s little needy noises got louder and louder until he was gasping and moaning and thrashing his hands in an effort to hold off his orgasm. Dean doubled down on his suction and when Sam threw his head back and arched up into Dean’s touch, Dean closed his eyes and waited to feel Sam’s come flooding his mouth.

He drank down every drop and then slowly kissed his way back up to Sam’s face. Sam’s eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily. Dean smiled at how wrecked his brother looked. Dean always felt so good when he could make Sam feel that way.

Dean leaned down and kissed Sam. Sam returned the kiss and pulled Dean to him. “God, Dean… every time you touch me… I just… get so lost in you.” Sam whispered in amazement. “No one has ever made me feel the things you do.”

Sam reached for Dean’s hand and threaded their fingers together. “I wanna make you feel the same way, Dean.” Sam looked up into Dean’s eyes, hoping his brother could see just how much he wanted that.

Dean lay his head on the pillow and pulled Sam to him. “You do, Sammy. Every single time.”

Sam slowly pushed Dean onto his back and then rolled on top of him. Sam looked down at Dean intently. “Wanna make you come, Dean.”

“Fuck yeah… Sammy…” Dean breathed into Sam’s mouth as Sam kissed him hungrily. As Sam worked his way down Dean’s body, Dean let himself forget everything except the sensation of Sam’s hands, fingers, lips and tongue.

Together, Sam and Dean made sure Sam got what he wanted.


	11. Heaven and Hell

“How I feel… this… inside me. I wish I couldn’t feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.” Dean said through his tears. For thirty years he’d stayed strong… and then he’d gotten down off the rack. Dean’s tears fell as he thought about what he’d done from that point on.

Dean looked off into the distance, trying to rein in his emotions. Sam wiped the tears from his eyes and slid off the Impala, placing his beer on the ground. He moved to stand next to Dean. Tentatively, Sam reached his hand out and placed it on Dean’s shoulder. He’d half expected Dean to pull away, given what he was processing.

Instead Dean let out a sob and threw himself into Sam’s arms. Sam wrapped his brother up so tightly in his arms, holding him close, rocking him as he cried. Sam lowered them both to the ground and pulled Dean into his lap. Dean offered no protest as Sam cradled him in his arms, he just took whatever comfort Sam could give him.

Sam cried silently as he listened to Dean’s sobs. He wondered if he’d ever really be able to heal his brother. What Dean had had to endure was heartbreaking… and soul-crushing. Would love ever be enough to take away all that pain? Sam didn’t know; the only thing he did know is that he’d try.

Sam held Dean for a long time before his sobs quieted. And then he held Dean some more, just to make sure he was ok. Sam was startled when Dean spoke.

“I slept with Anna, Sam.” Dean said in a broken voice. He hadn’t meant to… things had been good between him and Sam but thoughts of hell still plagued him. Along with the knowledge of what he’d done in the pit… and he’d recognized himself in her pain… and then the next thing he knew, they were in the car together. 

He should never have taken her there. That car was for him and Sam only and now he’d tarnished it. Dean hated himself for that. Along with so many other things.

Sam pressed a kiss to Dean’s temple. “I know.” Sam tilted Dean’s face up so he could look into his eyes. “But you chose me. When it counted.” 

Sam had been jealous as hell when Dean was gone for so long and he’d been hurt by Dean’s choice to sleep with her, but he and Dean had an understanding that sometimes required… understanding. 

As much as Sam hated it.

Dean thought back to Uriel’s offer: they would kill Anna or they would kill Sam. One of the two would have to die. Uriel had known that Dean would never choose anyone over Sam; he knew exactly where Dean was weakest. 

“I’ll always choose you, Sammy.” Dean whispered. “Always.”

Sam kissed Dean, letting the contact linger. “And I’ll always choose you.”

Sam moved Dean around until he was facing away from him. Dean was now between Sam’s legs and resting his head on Sam’s chest. Sam had his arms around his brother and he was slowly rocking them side to side as he whispered words of love to Dean, trying to help him forget about what had happened in hell.

Dean let Sam hold him and he tried so hard to let Sam’s gentle words and touches take away his pain… but he knew that his pain would never completely be gone, no matter what he did. For now, though, Sam’s love would be what he’d hold onto. It always was the one thing that would pull him through.

“I love you, Sammy.” Dean whispered as Sam rocked him.

Sam turned his head to the side and kissed Dean’s neck right below his ear. “I love you, too, Dean.”

Dean smiled when Sam began softly humming Smoke on the Water, wanting to comfort Dean. It was a little off-key but totally full of love and Dean appreciated Sam’s effort. Dean took Sam’s hands in his and wove their fingers together. He felt safe. He felt loved. He felt cared for and wanted. 

He closed his eyes and let Sam’s off-key humming and gentle swaying lull him into sleep, right there along the road with Sam’s back up against the Impala’s tire. 

The truth was that Dean was exhausted and had been since he got back from hell. The hour of sleep he got with Sam that afternoon in the warm autumn sun was the best hour of sleep he’d had in a long, long time.


	12. Family Remains

“They took me off the rack and I tortured souls… and I liked it.” Dean said, his face devoid of emotion. “All those years, all that pain, finally getting to deal some out yourself? I didn’t care who they put in front of me. Because that pain I felt? It just slipped away.” Dean shook his head. “No matter how many people I save, I can’t change that. I can’t fill this hole. Not ever.”

Sam looked at his brother, his heart breaking for him. He knew then that it didn’t matter how many times he covered Dean in kisses of love, or how many times he held him – Dean would never be the same and he’d always be tormented until he learned to forgive himself.

If he ever did.

Sam took another swig of his beer, trying to figure out what to say to make things better for Dean. In the end, he knew that no words would ever fill that hole inside of Dean. Only Dean could decide when it was time to fill it and with what. 

So instead of talking, Sam went to Dean and just stood next to him. If Dean wanted contact, he was there. If he didn’t, Sam wouldn’t pressure him.

It was a while before Dean spoke again. “I don’t deserve your love, Sammy. I’m not worthy, man.” Dean wouldn’t meet Sam’s eyes; he just looked off into the distance, hating himself and his weakness.

Sam grabbed Dean and spun him around so they were facing each other. He was infuriated that Dean would ever say that. Dean had raised him. Dean had loved him, unconditionally. Dean had been there with him every step of the way and no matter what happened, he would always deserve Sam’s love.

“Stop it, Dean.” Sam yelled at his brother, shaking him. “Don’t ever say that!”

Dean broke Sam’s hold on him and walked away from his brother. “Why not, Sam? It’s the truth! How could you possibly love someone who has tortured thousands of souls and loved every second of it? Huh? You tell me, Sammy!”

Sam felt some of his control slip as tears filled his eyes. How could he ever get through to his brother? He didn’t know – but he knew he’d just keep trying. 

“I love you, Dean. That just is. That just always will be. Doesn’t matter what you do, doesn’t matter what you say. You could hurt me… hell, you could kill me and I would still love you.”

Dean shook his head and looked at the ground. “Sammy, if you knew…”

Sam strode to Dean and pulled him into his arms. “I don’t need to know, Dean.” Sam said softly. “Deep inside – in that place you have only ever allowed me to see – whatever happened doesn’t change that. And that you – the person way deep down who I trust with life, my heart, my love? That is the person I love.”

Dean let the tension ebb from his body. It was so hard to put up a front, to keep fighting. “Sammy…”

Sam held Dean tighter. “I’m here, Dean.”

“I need you, brother.” Dean whispered, his voice full of pain.

“I’m here.”


	13. Criss Angel is a Douchebag

“And then he said, ‘You ain’t been had until you’ve been had by the Chief’!” Dean laughed around the rim of his beer bottle.

Sam laughed and took a swig of his beer, letting the smile slide off his face. “Did you really mean what you said, Dean? About our story ending either bloody or sad?”

Dean rolled his beer bottle between his hands. He wanted to spin a happy tale for Sam, but he couldn’t. “Yeah, Sammy… I think that’s how things will end for us. Don’t get me wrong – I wish it were different. I do. But I don’t see how it could be any other way.”

Sam sighed and stared at the label on his bottle of beer. “I wish it could be, Dean… I wish it could be me and you… old and creaky, retired from hunting… maybe with some respectable jobs…”

Dean chuckled. “Respectable, huh? Like what, Sammy?”

Sam smiled over at Dean. “Well, you… I think a mechanic is the obvious choice… but I think you could do anything you put your mind to. You’re smart, you could do whatever you find interesting.”

Dean smiled at his brother. “What about you?”

Sam looked up at the ceiling and thought for a moment. “I don’t know… maybe research, maybe an office job… something normal, not dangerous…”

Dean stood and walked over to Sam, wrapping his arms around his brother from behind and resting his chin on Sam’s shoulder. “And at night, Sammy… what would our lives be like?”

Sam stood and pulled Dean into a hug. “I’d come home from work and kiss you breathless. And then we’d sit down and have dinner… maybe you’d cook, maybe I’d cook – it wouldn’t matter. And then we’d sit on our couch in our house and watch a movie or a show…” Sam kissed Dean’s neck. “Or maybe we’d have a make out session…”

Dean squeezed Sam tighter. “Sounds great so far, Sammy.” he whispered, wishing with all of his heart that a life like that would be possible for them. It didn’t matter that he knew it would never happen – just knowing that in Sam’s mind, he’d created a whole alternate life for them – that would have to be enough for both of them.

Sam pulled back a little and cupped Dean’s face, looking deep into Dean’s eyes. “And every night we’d make love… maybe you’d be inside me or I’d be inside you – it would make no difference because we’d just go with how we felt… and then we’d fall asleep, together, holding each other in our own bed… always.” Sam’s voice finished in a whisper as he continued to look into his brother’s eyes.

“Awww, Sammy.” Dean whispered back. “I want that so much…”

Sam kissed Dean softly. “I know it’s just a dream, Dean.”

“It’s a great dream, Sammy.” Dean kissed Sam back with all the love in his heart. When he broke away, he took Sam’s hand in his and pulled him toward the bed. 

“So… this love makin’ every night… what if I have a headache?” Dean asked with a smirk.

Sam pushed Dean backward onto the bed and then crawled up over him and looked down into his eyes. “Then I’d give you a massage until your headache went away.”

“Yeah?” Dean smiled up at Sam as he began unbuttoning his brother’s shirt. “What if we’re fighting?”

Sam reached down and began unbuttoning Dean’s shirt. “Then we’ll go to bed together and kiss each other good-night… and in the morning, we’ll have make up sex.”

Dean stripped Sam’s shirt off of him and started working on his belt and jeans. “What if… I’d rather watch a movie?”

Sam scooched down a little and began undoing Dean’s jeans. “Then I’ll blow you while you’re watching it. I bet I can make that more interesting…”

Sam rolled off onto his side and pushed Dean’s pants and boxers down. Dean’s cock was already waiting for him: hard and oozing. Just the way Sam liked it. When Dean reached around and pulled Sam’s hips toward him as he struggled to push his pants and boxers down, too, Sam looked at Dean and smiled.

“Hey… know what we haven’t tried?” Sam kicked his legs to discard his pants as Dean looked at him quizzically. “Sixty-nining!”

A slow smile spread across Dean’s face. “You’re right, Sammy… and that just seems… wrong.”

Sam shifted again until his face was lined up with Dean’s cock and then Dean helped move Sam’s hips closer to his face. They lifted their heads and looked at one another. 

Sam’s eyes were dark with desire. He smirked sexily at Dean. “You know I’m about to suck you down, right?”

Dean began moving his lips toward Sam’s cock. “Yeah… Sammy… but I’m gonna make you come first…”

Sam dragged his tongue across the head of Dean’s cock, causing his hips to buck. “I don’t think so, Dean…” 

Sam sucked Dean deep into his mouth and began bobbing his head. Dean gasped and then grabbed Sam’s cock and began stroking him while he sucked the head. Dean loved the feeling of his tongue on Sam and having Sam suck him at the same time made the feelings that much more intense.

Sam thrust his hips gently as Dean continued to suck and stroke him. He thought Dean might be right – he could definitely feel his orgasm building. So Sam threw a hand into the mix, too, sucking and stroking Dean, moaning around his cock and humming when he took it deep. Every time he did that, Dean would groan around his cock.

Neither of them lasted very long. And Dean smirked around Sam’s cock as he felt his brother’s cock pulsing as he came first, deep in Dean’s throat. Dean only outlasted Sam by seconds, though, so he wasn’t going to claim victory.

After he recovered, Sam flipped around and crawled up next to Dean. He kissed Dean softly and whispered, “God… that was amazing… can’t believe it took us this long to do it…”

Dean pulled Sam to him and held him tight. “I know… we should starting thinking about other things we haven’t done and try those, too.”

Sam smiled into Dean’s kiss. He loved being with Dean like this. This was exactly what he wanted – forever. Sam vowed to himself that he’d find a way to fix everything they were up against and make it possible for he and Dean to have a life… together.

Dean sighed contentedly as Sam snuggled in for sleep. He took Sam’s hand in his and brought it to his lips, kissing Sam’s fingers softly before threading their fingers together and holding Sam’s hand over his heart as he went to sleep.

The very next night, Sam drove off with Ruby. He had no intention of being an old – or a dead – hunter. He was going to save the world, Dean and himself and then he and Dean would have a real chance at happiness. Maybe they’d even have the life Sam dreamt about. 

In Sam’s mind, the end would justify the means.


	14. After School Special (Intermission)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gratuitous sexual content inspired by Dean's famous red shorts.

When Sam and Dean entered the motel room after their first day working at Truman High, Sam spun Dean around and pushed him up against the wall, capturing his lips in a passionate kiss. “You still have those shorts?” Sam breathed out as he began kissing Dean’s neck.

Dean barked out a laugh. “You liked those shorts, Sammy?”

Sam threaded his fingers through Dean’s and then held his hands up above his head as he continued to kiss Dean’s neck and face. “Yeah… they were tight over your ass and all I wanted to do was throw you down and dig my fingers into your glutes… and then maybe rip those shorts right off and take you on a gym mat.”

“Mmmm….” Dean hummed his approval into Sam’s mouth as they continued to kiss. Sam let go of Dean’s hands and then scooped his hands under Dean’s ass, pulling him up so he could wrap his legs around Sam’s hips.

Dean groaned as Sam pressed his hardening cock up against his ass. “I can feel how much you liked those shorts, Sammy.” Dean whispered as Sam slowly thrust his hips against him.

“I love anything that shows off your ass, Dean.” Sam whispered back, heatedly. “Every time your ass is on display, I think about what you let me do to you, and I get hard… did you know that?”

Dean wrapped his legs more tightly around Sam’s hips, seeking friction for himself. “Tell me more…” Dean gasped as Sam began thrusting harder.

Sam turned and kissed Dean slowly, dirtily, as he walked them to a bed. Sam laid Dean down and made quick work of stripping off his clothes, waving at Dean to do the same. Dean quickly complied because he liked where this was heading. When he was naked, he pushed down the bedspread and covered himself with the sheets.

Sam grabbed the lube out of the nightstand drawer and looked down at Dean. “Lower the sheet, Dean.”

Sam’s voice was quiet but commanding. He wasn’t happy that Dean was hiding himself under too many cheap motel 150 thread count rough cotton sheets. 

Dean looked up at Sam and smirked. “Make me.”

Sam snaked his arm out, lightning fast, grabbing the sheet and ripping it off the bed. Dean shivered as the wind of the sheet skimmed across his naked skin.

Sam looked down at Dean. “You know I love looking at you, so why do you hide?”

Dean looked up at Sam and bit his bottom lip invitingly as he began stroking himself. “I’m not hiding anything.”

Sam watched Dean for a moment. No doubt about it, his brother was an Adonis… chiseled features, nicely defined musculature, with amazingly soft lips and eyes in which Sam often found himself drowning, willingly sinking into their depths.

Sam let his gaze rest on Dean’s cock, which he continued to stroke as Sam watched. Sam licked his lips in anticipation as he kneeled on the bed and brought his face closer and closer to Dean. When Sam’s face was just above the tip of Dean’s cock, Sam whispered. “Stop.”

Dean stopped stroking and closed his eyes in pleasure as Sam sucked his cock deep into his mouth. Sam had one thing on his mind: getting inside of Dean. But he wanted Dean to come first so he focused his efforts on giving him the best blow job of his life.

It wasn’t long before Dean was threading his fingers through Sam’s hair as he gave in to his orgasm. Sam used his tongue to lick Dean through the aftershocks. Dean moaned appreciatively.

“God, Sammy… that was… fuck… the best…” Dean was still panting lightly as Sam kissed his way up his torso. When he was all the way up and facing Dean, Sam kissed him softly. “Glad you liked it.”

Dean could only nod. Any more effort would require more recovery time.

“Roll over.” Sam said. Dean opened his eyes and looked at Sam.

“You know I get all tingly when you take control.” Dean smirked.

“I know you do.” Sam said softly. “So… roll over.”

Dean did as Sam asked, rolling his hips to tease Sam. Sam grabbed Dean’s ass and squeezed the muscle, causing Dean to moan.

Sam leaned over and grabbed the lube. He took his time prepping Dean, teasing him… making him plead for more. Sam loved when Dean got like this. He loved making his brother this needy. When Sam was ready, he moved in behind Dean and covered him with his body. As Sam entered him, he threaded his fingers through Dean’s, holding his hands tight.

“God, I love being inside you, Dean.” Sam panted next to his ear. “Love when you let me in like this.”

Dean moaned as Sam began stroking over his prostate again and again. “Love having you there, Sammy… feels so fucking good.”

Sam kissed Dean’s neck and shoulders as he continued to slide himself deeper and deeper with every stroke. Sam wanted Dean to come again so he focused on getting the angle right, hitting the prostate with every thrust. As Dean’s orgasm neared, his moans became louder, begging Sam to make him come. Sam pushed himself up a bit and began pounding into Dean.

Dean was transported… he felt light-headed and he felt enveloped in Sam’s love and he needed that so much. He yelled Sam’s name as he came for a second time, with Sam following him almost immediately. Eventually, Sam rolled to the side and gathered Dean in his arms.

Sam framed Dean’s face with his hand. “I love you.” Sam whispered.

“Love you, too, Sammy.” Dean whispered back, a wrecked smile on his face.

“You need to keep those shorts…” Sam added with a smile as he pulled Dean closer.

“Yeah… I definitely do.”


	15. After School Special (Postlude)

“I still don’t understand why you wanted to stop and talk to that teacher.” Dean said to Sam as they left Truman High behind them. They’d been to so many high schools over the years, Dean couldn’t even remember the name of even one of his teachers, so he was having a hard time fathoming why this one would mean something to Sam.

Briefly Dean wondered if maybe Sam had had a crush on the teacher. Dean mentally shook himself. He and Sam weren’t gay… not really. What they had was beyond gender or relationships… Dean could feel that deep in his bones. He never looked at other guys and he’d never seen Sam look at other guys either, and god knows they spent enough time together for him to notice that much.

Sam sighed and looked out the window of the Impala, watching the greenery alongside the road flash by as they drove. He thought about Mr. Wyatt’s question: was he happy?

Sam looked over at Dean. “He took an interest in me – he was the first person who ever told me that I could pick my own path… that I didn’t have to go into the family business. Before that, it never even occurred to me that I might have a choice.”

“Did you tell him what the family business was?” Dean asked, surprised that Sam had forged a connection so quickly. Growing up, they never talked about the family business with anyone.

Sam shook his head. “No. Of course not… just fed him the usual line about dad being in sales.” Sam paused. “I did write an essay though… about hunting werewolves. Mr. Wyatt could have docked me on my grade because the assignment had been to write about something real – non-fiction. He asked me if I thought werewolves were real and I lied and said no. He told me my story was fantastic… that the writing was great…”

Dean was a little miffed that Sam had written an essay about what they actually did. “Why would you write that, Sam? That was just asking for trouble!”

Sam smiled sadly, “I don’t know, Dean… I was a freshman. We moved every couple of weeks. I had no friends, no one to talk to about what we did. I just needed to get it out.”

Dean took offense at Sam’s statement. “You had me to talk to, Sammy. Me! I was always there. Wasn’t that enough?”

Sam wanted to tell Dean the truth… that back then, it hadn’t always been enough. But he knew that would hurt Dean so instead he said, “I know I had you… and you were great, always there like you said, but I was just trying to figure things out… and that’s what happened.”

Dean huffed out a breath. “I know it was hard on you, Sammy. I’m sorry for that…”

“It wasn’t your fault, Dean. I just… I’ve just always struggled with this job. I wanted… something different, I guess.” Sam sighed and looked out the window.

Dean looked at Sam, thinking about how much he wished his brother could have had the things he’d dreamed of – finishing college, law school… even the girl, the marriage, the kids… everything.

“Sorry, Sammy.” Dean said softly. “I wish things were different for you.” 

Sam, still thinking about whether he was happy or not, answered Dean without thinking about how his response would affect Dean. “Yeah, me too.”

Sam thought about the alternate life he and Dean lived in his head. The one where it was just them, living together and finding happiness in one another. Safe from all the bad stuff, finally able to live like normal people. That’s what he wanted more than anything. And Dean knew it because Sam had described it in great detail.

The soft look in Dean’s eyes hardened. He hadn’t expected that particular answer from Sam, given everything there was between them. It was one thing for Dean to show compassion, but another for Sam to so blithely negate everything they’d been through the last 4 years.

Dean felt a little sick to his stomach as he returned his attention to the road. He had thought he and Sam were in a good place – they were working together, sleeping together, being there for each other… he thought they were as happy as they were going to be, given their situation.

But clearly Sam still wanted something else. Something that maybe didn’t include him, Dean thought, forgetting about the alternate universe Sam had created for them. 

The silence in the car was deafening, but neither Sam nor Dean bothered to break it.


	16. Sex and Violence

“So we’re good?” Sam asked Dean, with hope in his eyes.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Dean responded as they took their usual seats in the Impala.

They were miles down the road before Sam realized that Dean had said he was good – not that they were good. That, Sam figured, was an important distinction.

“Dean.” Sam said after turning down the music. Sam really needed Dean to talk to him right now. His chest was tight and he was sick to his stomach. He still didn’t understand why he slept with the doctor. Maybe, deep down, he blamed Dean for keeping him in the hunting life. It wasn’t what Sam wanted and he didn’t understand why Dean couldn’t just walk away.

But wherever Dean was, that’s where Sam would be, too. He had no other choice. He knew he’d never be happy anywhere else.

“Not really in the mood to talk, Sam.” Dean said, interrupting Sam’s musings, as he reached over to turn up the music. 

Sam slapped his hand away and Dean scowled back at him before placing his hand back on the wheel.

“Are we good, Dean?” Sam asked as Dean drove.

Dean said nothing but didn’t move to turn up the music either. Sam watched his brother, noting the tightness of his jaw and the tension in his shoulders. Dean was upset with him and he had every right to be. Sam wanted to talk it through… get everything out in the open. But Dean was so stubborn when it came to that. He had zero interest in talking.

Dean’s emotions were roiling inside. He was jealous – hell, he was still jealous of that teacher back in Truman High. And now… Sam fucked a nice looking lady doctor when he should have been working the case… and that had been dangerous when they didn’t know who the siren was. 

Dean didn’t let himself think too long about the fact that Sam wasn’t the one who had been duped by the siren… but he had, because he’d been looking for a woman. How was he supposed to know that the siren would manifest as a man for him. He wasn’t gay!

But he was pretty gay for his brother. That was true. Dean thought back to Bobby saving their asses… he hadn’t seemed surprised that the siren wasn’t female. Dean furrowed his brows as he thought about that. Not liking where his thoughts were taking him, Dean returned his focus to Sam.

He was angry with Sam for so many reasons; sleeping with the doctor, lying to him about Ruby, doing god knows what with her… Dean figured they were probably still fucking, too… and then there were the horrible things Sam had said to him. 

Siren or not, Dean couldn’t let it go. 

Sam reached over and laid his hand on Dean’s arm. “I need us to be good, Dean.” Sam said softly, just loud enough to be heard over the hum of the tires on the road. 

Dean said nothing and kept his eyes averted, unwilling – or potentially unable – to meet Sam’s gaze.

Sam sighed and took his hand away, placing it in his lap, saying nothing further. He owed Dean an apology – for multiple reasons. He wanted to give it to him… but if Dean wasn’t going to talk, then Sam would have to wait until he was willing to, and that was hard. Because he wanted to make things right now.

Miles passed and the quiet in the car was suffocating. Sam wanted to cry as he continued to obsess about the events of the last 36 hours and Dean wanted to punch something – or someone – for the same reason.

Later, Sam tried again. “Are we ever going to be good, Dean?”

Dean let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know, Sam.”

Sam looked away, trying to hide his tears. This wasn’t what he wanted. He needed his brother. He wanted to vow to him that things would be different, that he’d make it up to him for hurting him when he’d said he wished things were different, when he’d said that Dean was holding him back. 

He’d meant none of those things – not really – not in the way Dean thought he had.

Sam had meant that he wished he and Dean could have a life together that didn’t involve hunting, where they could just be together and grow old and creaky. 

He’d meant that Dean was holding him back – not from things he wanted but from embracing his powers and maybe putting a quick end to their whole nightmare of a situation. 

Dean was Sam’s moral compass, and Sam was trying so hard to not go dark side, but he really felt he needed to in order to beat Lilith. It was hard walking the line between being strong reluctantly and completely surrendering to the power. 

Sam felt guilty because he wasn’t living up to his brother’s expectations, and it killed him a little bit more every day.

Sam dashed away his tears and Dean pretended not to notice. 

That night, they slept apart for the first time in a long, long time.


	17. Death Takes a Holiday

“Are you going to tell me what Pamela said to you?” Dean asked Sam as they drove away from the motel. 

Pamela’s body was in the back seat, wrapped in a sheet. With heavy hearts, they were taking her back home so her family could bury her.

Sam wanted to tell Dean about the demon blood… and Ruby. He really did, but he was afraid he’d lose him forever. It was one thing to sleep apart, but it was a whole other thing to consider losing his brother for all eternity. Sam knew he couldn’t bear that.

Sam sighed and tried for a little truth and some spin. “She said I had a great ass.” Sam said and then added, “And she told me I should be careful – that we should be careful – bad things are coming.” Sam wondered briefly if he was one of the bad things. He knew he couldn’t let himself think that way – he was doing some things that Dean wouldn’t like, but it was to make him stronger so that he could save them and the world from an apocalypse.

The end would justify the means. Sam felt certain of it.

Dean regarded Sam, wondering if there was something Sam was keeping from him. Dean snorted at his stupidity – he still wanted to trust Sam, even when he knew he couldn’t. He was certain Sam was keeping something from him. Maybe something big… no matter how much he didn’t want to believe that. Dean just didn’t know what it was.

“All we have are bad things coming. That’s not new.” Dean paused before adding. “And I can’t argue with her assessment of your ass.”

Sam looked at Dean quickly, hopeful for a moment that his comment about his ass might mean they had a chance at repairing all that was wrong between them; but Dean wasn’t looking at him and didn’t look at him for miles.

Sam’s hope drained away and he felt like his world was collapsing. All he wanted was Dean’s love, his acceptance and his arms around him. Sam realized he may never have any of that again, and it killed him. It actually made him physically ill.

It also made him angry. He wanted to reach over and shake Dean. He wanted to scream at him for his stubbornness and for his inability to understand what Sam was going through. Sam balled his hands into fists and stuffed them in the pockets of his jacket as he hunched down into the corner of his seat, laying his head against the window. 

Dean pressed his fingers against his forehead. Fighting with Sam always hurt him – both emotionally and physically. He’d had a headache for days that he just couldn’t shake. He suspected that if he let go of his anger and forgave Sam his headache would disappear, his stomach would settle and he’d stop feeling on the verge of tears.

Dean wasn’t going to be able to forgive Sam. Especially when he knew his brother was still lying to him. But maybe… just maybe… he could ease the tension between them a bit. Dean hoped if he did that, Sam might start telling him the truth.

“Sammy…” Dean said.

Sam’s head whipped toward Dean, surprised that he’d used that version of his name. 

“Um… Yeah?” Sam asked, his voice rough with emotion.

“I… don’t trust you.” Dean said softly, cutting Sam to the core. “But I love you, Sammy, ok? I want to make sure you know that because if bad things are comin’, I don’t want something to happen and for you to think I didn’t… love you.”

Sam’s eyes welled with tears. He hung his head and sighed. “I love you, Dean. More than anything.” Sam whispered as he bent his head forward and let his tears fall.

“I know.” Dean said. 

That was all the comfort he could offer Sam. For now.


	18. On the Head of a Pin

Sam pulled the Impala up to the front door of the hospital where Dean was waiting for him in a wheel chair, an orderly standing behind him. Sam leapt out of the Impala and rushed around to the passenger side, pulling the door open and then turning to help Dean up. Sam slid his arm under Dean’s and slowly helped Dean stand.

Dean gave Sam a small smile. “Thanks, Sammy.”

Sam helped Dean get situated in the passenger seat. “You ok?” Sam asked Dean. Dean nodded in the affirmative but said nothing. Sam looked at his brother with concern. He looked broken; defeated. Sam crouched down and put his hand on Dean’s thigh.

“Dean.” Sam said, he voice low and tinged with worry. “Talk to me, please.”

Dean looked down. He wanted to tell Sam everything, but how could he tell his little brother he’d started the shit they currently had on their hands by breaking the first seal? He couldn’t even say it out loud because then he could no longer avoid the truth… if he’d been strong down in the pit, like their father, none of what they were currently facing would be an issue. They’d be hunting together, loving each other and everything we be like it had after Dean had first picked up Sam from Stanford. No doubt, many of those days had been tough… but they had been easier than this.

“I’m ok, Sam.” Dean said, trying to avoid discussing anything.

Sam picked up Dean’s hand and brought it to his lips. After a quick kiss to the back of Dean’s hand, Sam brought it to his cheek and held it there. “I know it was hard, Dean… being forced to torture Alastair. I know that it hurt you, ok? You can talk to me about it. I’m right here. I want to be here for you.”

Dean looked at Sam. He wanted to fall into Sam’s arms and let his brother comfort him. But he couldn’t. Sam knew Dean needed him, but couldn’t reach out, so he let go of Dean’s hand and stood, heading to the driver’s side. Inside, Dean was screaming for his brother to come back… to hold him… to love him. 

Outside, he just looked emotionless.

Sam pulled into traffic and hit the main road, heading out of town. A few miles down the road, Sam saw a motel. He pulled into the lot, causing Dean to look up. “Stopping already?”

Sam just nodded as he jumped out of the car to get them a room. He was back in minutes to move the Impala to the very end of the motel. Sam grabbed their gear as Dean made his way to the door. Sam opened it and Dean went in, immediately sitting on the bed closest to the door. He slowly took off his boots and laid back on the bed with a sigh.

Sam busied himself unpacking some essentials. He looked over at Dean. His brother had his eyes closed and was massaging his shoulder, working out a kink or something along those lines. Sam walked over to Dean’s bed and knelt down beside him. He reached over and replaced Dean’s hand with his own. He gently rubbed his brother’s shoulder, trying to relieve the tension.

Dean sighed and let his hand fall away. He didn’t move away from Sam or ask him to stop. Sam continued to rub Dean’s shoulder gently. As Dean relaxed, so did Sam. 

After a while, Sam spoke. “Can I lay down next to you, Dean?”

Dean said nothing for a moment before accepting Sam’s overture. Dean couldn’t deny that he needed Sam, that things were better when they were close. He knew he should stop pushing him away because apart, things were always more difficult.

“Yeah.” Dean whispered as he moved over. Sam slid in next to him and pulled him close. He said nothing; he just wrapped Dean up in his arms and held him tightly.

“You can talk to me, you know.” Sam whispered as he gently scratched Dean’s scalp. “I just want to be here for you, Dean.”

Dean sighed. He knew Sam wanted that but revealing what he knew now about himself would be too hard. He hadn’t had time to process it. He just needed to let the information settle so he could figure out what to do with it.

“I know I can, Sammy. And I’m thankful for that.” Dean whispered. “It was just hard… the whole thing, seeing Alastair… the torturing… all of it.”

“I was really worried about you… I thought you weren’t gonna make it for a while there.” Sam whispered back as he pulled Dean closer. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t go on, Dean, if something happened to you.”

Dean slid his leg over Sam’s, seeking a closeness they hadn’t had in a while. Not sex… just the intimacy of being in the arms of the one person in the world who understands you best.

Sam moved his hand to rest on Dean’s thigh, holding his leg in place. Sam was glad for the additional contact. He'd missed having this with his brother so much. Sam turned his head and placed a soft kiss at Dean’s temple.

“I love you.” Sam whispered.

Dean nuzzled his face in Sam’s neck. “Love you, too, Sammy.”

It didn’t take Dean too long to fall asleep in his brother’s arms. When he surrendered to his exhaustion, Sam gently kissed his brother’s forehead, letting his lips linger. He missed this closeness with his brother so much… he wanted nothing more than to hold him forever. 

With everything that had happened recently, though, for now eight hours would have to be enough.


	19. It's a Terrible Life (Intermission)

“Alright… confession.” Sam Wesson said as he looked at Dean Smith.

“Yeah?” Dean replied, wondering what Sam was about to say.

“Remember those nightmares I told you about, with the ghosts?” Sam asked as he remembered Dean’s snarky remark about oversharing.

“Yeah.” Dean replied, still pondering where this conversation was headed.

“I was fighting them.” Sam stated.

“Ok.” Dean said, still perplexed.

“With you.” Sam said as Dean frowned. “We were like these hunters and we were friends…” Sam paused a huffed out a breath. “More like brothers… really.” Sam looked started and Dean just watched him as he continued. “I mean… what if that’s who we really are? I mean… you saw us back there, working together, the ghost was scrambling people’s brains. What if it had scrambled ours?”

“That’s insane.” Dean said as he stood and walked around his desk.

“Is it? Think about it for just one second. What if we think this is our life, but it’s not?” Sam desperately wanted Dean to hear what he was saying.

“Hey man, the ghost is dead and we’re still standing. I mean, I’m sorry but…” Dean was interrupted when Sam stood and spoke.

“Look, all I know is this isn’t who we’re supposed to be.” Sam stared at Dean, willing him to understand what he was saying.

“No. I’m Dean Smith. Director of Sales and Marketing. I went to Stanford. My father’s name is Bob, my mother’s name is Ellen and my sister’s name is Jo.” Dean said emphatically.

“When’s the last time you talked to them?” Sam asked, forcing Dean to face the truth. “To any of them.”

“Look, you’re upset. You’re upset, you’re confused…” Dean tried placating Sam.

“Yeah, I only moved here because I broke up with my fiancé, Madison. But I called her number and I got a damn animal hospital.” Sam said as his frustration grew.

“Look, Sam… are you trying to say that my family isn’t real, huh? That we’ve been injected with fake memories? Come on!” Dean glowered at Sam, afraid he was right.

“All I know is I’ve got this feeling in my gut and I know… I know that deep down you gotta be feeling it, too.” Sam made his last stand. “We’re supposed to be something else. You’re not just some… corporate douchebag. This isn’t you.” Sam paused and then spoke earnestly. “I know you.”

Dean was troubled so he fought back. “Know me. You don’t know me, pal.” Sam and Dean looked at each other. Dean fought the urge to grab Sam and to push him up against the wall so he could kiss him breathless. “You should go.”

Sam’s face flooded with sadness and Dean felt his heart lurch. He’d hurt him. Sam shook his head and walked out of Dean’s office. Dean watched him go with the knowledge that everything Sam had said was true. They belonged together, saving people and hunting things. He could feel it. 

Dean turned and looked out his office window, trying to decide what to do next. He wanted to go after Sam, but it was so illogical. He couldn’t explain it… he wasn’t ready to embrace the weirdness the way Sam was.

Dean heard a noise behind him. He turned and was startled to see Sam standing in the doorway.

“Sammy…” Dean breathed out. He was looking at the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. He knew he wasn’t into men, but this one… there was something about him that touched him in a way he couldn’t understand. Every time he’d seen him since the first time in the elevator, he’d had to fight his attraction.

Sam’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not letting you go, Dean.”

Dean stepped around his desk and rested against it. He wanted to rush into Sam’s arms but he wasn’t certain that was where this was going. 

“What does that mean?” Dean asked neutrally, not allowing his need to show on his face.

“We belong together and you know it.” Sam said as he strode forward, stopping just short of Dean. “You and me, Dean. We’re meant to be together.”

Dean looked up into Sam’s eyes. He saw the surety there. The conviction. And he knew then, without a doubt, that despite how crazy it sounded, Sam was right.

Dean stood and looked at Sam. They assessed one another until Dean finally spoke.

“So what does it mean, Sammy? Us being together.” Dean whispered.

Sam closed the gap between them and took Dean’s face in his hands. “It means… I see you and I know that you’re everything to me… that I would die for you. That I would do anything to keep you safe.”

Dean held Sam’s gaze. “Yeah, Sammy… me, too.”

Sam brought his face closer without breaking their eye contact. “It means… I see you and I want you so fucking much… because… because…”

Dean looked at Sam with wide eyes. “Because I love you.” Dean whispered.

Sam’s eyes widened in surprise. “Yeah… Dean…” Sam paused. “Because I love you… too.”

Sam Wesson and Dean Smith kissed for the first time and it was glorious. Exactly as they’d imagined it would be the first time they rode in the elevator together. Their lips met hungrily, their tongues swirled and caressed… they pulled each other close and lost themselves in the moment.

When Sam broke the kiss, he rested his forehead on Dean’s. “That… felt new and familiar all at the same time.” Sam whispered.

“Yeah… Sammy…” Dean paused. “I want more… more of that, more of you… just more.”

Dean pulled Sam to him and pressed their bodies together as they resumed kissing. Their hands wandered and they moaned as they fought for control of the kiss. When Sam shoved his hips forward and ground his cock against Dean’s, Dean gasped as he was snapped back to reality. 

This wasn’t right. No matter how much he felt it was… they couldn’t do this… they couldn’t be this. He had to fight these feelings.

Dean pushed Sam away and retreated behind his desk, leaving a confused and hard Sam in his wake.

“Where are you going?” Sam gasped as he reached for Dean.

“We can’t do this, Sam.” Dean said as he worked to get himself back under control. He was Dean Smith. He’d gone to Stanford for fuck’s sake. He had a bright future ahead of him. He couldn’t let some… tech support guy with crazy thoughts turn him crazy, too. No matter how hot that tech support guy was… and no matter what his instincts were telling him, at the end of the day, he was rational.

Sam looked at Dean. His confusion turning to despair.

“What do you mean we can’t do this. We both feel it, Dean. Why are you fighting against it?” Sam carded his fingers through his hair. “I know you feel it!”

Dean looked at the beautiful man in front of him… a man he’d wanted since the first time he’d seen him for reasons Dean couldn’t begin to understand. He wanted to run away with Sam… but he couldn’t. He knew it wasn’t right.

“Sammy… I mean, Sam… what we feel doesn’t matter… we… gotta be reasonable here. Think things through. I told you earlier… we can’t… I can’t just go off with you. So… I think you should leave.”

Sam straightened and stood at his full height, looking down at Dean. He’d tried. And he’d lost.

“I’ll go, Dean. But I’m not coming back this time.” Sam said icily as he turned and walked out.

“I know, Sammy…” Dean whispered after him.

Much later, after Zachariah returned Sam and Dean to their true reality, Dean would think about that scene in his office. It was the night after Croatoan all over again, only this time, he’d won.

Dean realized just how happy he was that in his real life, he’d lost that argument.


	20. It's a Terrible Life (Postlude)

When Zachariah returned Sam and Dean to their motel room, Dean looked at Sam, anger flaring in his eyes. “Dicks with wings, Sammy. I fuckin’ hate those bastards.”

Sam let out a puff of air and scratched his head. “Yeah. Fuck. I am starting to hate them, too.”

“Starting?” Dean looked at Sam in surprise. “I’ve hated those things since day one.”

Sam looked at Dean and shrugged. “What can I say? I wanted to believe in something good, Dean.”

Dean ran a hand over his face and just looked at Sam. “I know, Sammy.”

Sam went to sit on his bed. In his mind, he was reliving the closeness he’d had with Dean when they were Dean Smith and Sam Wesson. 

There’d been no betrayals, no pain, no anger – just Sam and Dean discovering how good they could be together. It had been beautiful. Until the last scene in Dean’s office. But before that: nirvana.

Sam sighed and lay back on the bed. Dean watched him for a moment before making a decision. Dean purposefully strode to Sam’s bed. Without asking, he slotted himself next to Sam, pulling his brother close. 

Dean kissed Sam softly. “It was nice, right?”

Sam looked into Dean’s eyes, intuitively understanding that Dean was referring to their closeness as Smith and Wesson. “Yeah.” Sam agreed. “It was… perfect.”

Dean sighed and kissed Sam again, letting the kiss linger. 

“Can we do something, Sam?” Dean whispered. “Just for tonight, can you be Sam Wesson and I’ll be Dean Smith and let’s just be together – no baggage, no anger… just the two guys who shared an amazing experience together… sharing one more amazing experience together?”

Sam looked into Dean’s eyes. They were clear and full of need. He saw no anger there, no mistrust – just Dean wanting him. 

Sam nodded. “Yeah… Dean… please… I need you so much…” 

Dean captured Sam’s lips in a passionate kiss. He ran his hands up under Sam’s shirt, pulling the material up, needing to feel Sam’s skin against his. They stripped off each other’s clothes, kissing and touching as they went, soft moans and deeper groans as more skin was revealed. 

Dean made a needy noise deep in his throat when Sam rolled away.

“Lube…” Sam said as he grabbed some out of the nightstand drawer. Even though it had been a long time since they’d been together this way, Sam still put the lube in the drawer every night, just in case. Sam handed the lube to Dean, his need obvious in his eyes.

Dean lubed up his fingers and began prepping Sam. Sam writhed beneath him, pushing back onto Dean’s fingers. “You were so hot in those suits, Dean…” Sam gasped. “So fucking hot. I wanted you in that elevator…” Sam moaned as Dean slid a third finger inside him.

Dean kissed Sam’s shoulder. “Yellow is not your color, Sammy.” Dean said with a smile, “But you always look beautiful to me.”

Sam moaned. “Now, Dean… please.”

“Roll over, Sammy.” Dean said, he voice low, gravely, full of desire.

Sam did as Dean asked. Dean slotted himself between Sam’s legs, positioning his cock at Sam’s entrance. Dean looked down into his brother’s eyes. Sam’s eyes held nothing but desire and love. Dean pushed himself into Sam, steadily sinking his cock deep inside of his brother.

Sam moaned and gripped Dean’s shoulders as he wrapped his legs around him. When Dean was buried as deep as he could go, he lowered his head to kiss Sam. He loved Sam so much and he let that love come through his kiss; no anger tonight – just the love they shared. 

Sam kissed Dean back, needy, begging for more.

Dean began thrusting into Sam in earnest, pounding deep over and over, loving the noises Sam made with each thrust. When Sam came, shouting Dean’s name over and over, Dean came right with him, moaning Sam’s name into his ear.

Dean collapsed onto Sam, catching his breath. After a while he whispered, “Missed this so much, Sammy… fuck… Miss you…”

Sam held Dean tighter. “Missed you, too, Dean… so much.”

Dean rolled off of Sam, but kept him close. He fully intended to enjoy this night with Sam; the whole night, just them, no issues, no trouble, no apocalypse, nothing. They deserved one night without worrying about anyone other than themselves.


	21. The Monster at the End of This Book (Intermission)

“There are Sam girls and Dean girls and… what’s a slash fan?” Dean asked. He couldn’t believe there were actual fans of the books based on their lives. It wasn’t like they’d been having a great time over the last four years. Sam had died. He had died and gone to hell. And that’s where the books stopped. Who would want to read that?

“As in Sam-slash-Dean. As in… together.” Sam said, his arms crossed as he watched Dean process the information.

“Like… together together?” Dean asked, feeling a little sick that people seemed to intuit what he and Sam had with one another. Dean wasn’t ashamed of the relationship he had with Sam, but he sure the hell didn’t want people to know about it.

“Yeah.” Sam said flatly, also not pleased that someone had let the cat out of the bag. He was just glad that Bobby wasn’t much of a reader, outside of hunting lore.

“They do know we’re brothers right?” Dean asked, still reeling from the information that there were actual people out there who wanted him and Sam to be together. He was fine with the relationship he had with Sam, but it was private… not for others to… objectify.

“That doesn’t seem to matter.” Sam said, blinking rapidly as he watched Dean continue to react.

“Aw… come on… that’s… that’s just sick.” Dean said, flipping the lid to the laptop closed and pushing it away from him.

Sam furrowed his brows and looked at Dean. He didn’t think it was sick. He just didn’t understand why he’d found so many fans who were willing to embrace an incestuous relationship between them. He wondered what the hell this Carver Edlund had written to get so many people comfortable with the idea.

“We’ve gotta find this Carver Edlund.” Dean said, thinking about how he’d love to strangle that guy for clearly demonstrating that there was something more than just brotherhood between he and Sam. Briefly, Dean wondered if this Carver Edlund had explicitly stated that they were together. Or, god forbid, had included actual sex scenes in the books.

“Yeah… that might not be so easy.” Sam said pensively.

“Why not?” Dean asked. Sam could find anyone and anything. He had a hard time believing that Sam couldn’t track this guy down, too.

“No tax records. No known address. Looks like Carver Edlund is a pen name.” Sam stated.

“Somebody’s gotta know who he is.” Dean said as he stood up. “Let’s go see if we can track him down.”

Dean went over to his duffel and rummaged around for a coat.

Sam stood and walked over to Dean. He took his arm and spun him around. 

“Hi.” Sam said with a small smile on his face.

Dean smirked. “Hi yourself.”

Sam leaned down and captured Dean’s lips in a deep kiss as he pulled Dean to him. Dean threw his arms around Sam and kissed him back, matching the urgency and passion. When they finally broke apart, Sam took Dean’s face in his hands.

“You don’t really think it’s sick, do you? What we have?” Sam whispered, almost afraid to hear Dean’s answer.

Dean grabbed Sam’s face and pulled it to him, kissing him softly. “Does it seem like I do?”

Sam looked into Dean’s eyes. “Well… you said it was sick, so…”

Dean kissed Sam again and then took his hands in his. “I just meant that I don’t understand why someone who is not us would want us to be together. It’s just not… socially acceptable… but apparently these people don’t care.”

Sam smiled and huffed out a laugh. “Yeah… they sure don’t. You haven’t seen anything until you’ve read the fan fiction they write about us together. In graphic detail. Very, very graphic detail.”

Dean arched an eyebrow. “Hmmm. That sounds interesting. Maybe you can read me some bedtime stories.” Dean said with a knowing smirk.

Sam laughed and kissed Dean one last time before pulling away from him completely.

“Trust me… if I read some of that stuff to you, the last thing on your mind would be sleep.” Sam took Dean’s hand and led him to the door.

“Huh… maybe you can read me some later?” Dean batted his eyes winningly at Sam.

Sam winked at Dean. “Or… maybe we can just act some of it out.”

Dean nodded as he followed Sam out the door. He liked the sound of that.


	22. The Monster at the End of This Book (Postlude)

Dean guided the Impala down the highway, thinking about the deal Lilith had offered Sam. Sam had surprised him with his plan to take Lilith out the old fashioned way – with the demon knife. Maybe Chuck wasn’t infallible.

Dean thought about Chuck – everything he saw about their lives. He wondered if Chuck knew about what he and Sam had between them. He hadn’t said anything so maybe he wasn’t able to see everything.

“Hey… does Chuck know?” Dean asked Sam out of the blue.

Sam stared at Dean, panicked. He thought at first that Dean was referring to the demon blood. But Dean looked far too calm for that. Sam played stupid. “What?”

Dean looked over at Sam. “About us.”

Sam hadn’t even considered that. With the way things had been so up and down between them lately, their non-traditional relationship hadn’t been at the front of his mind. “Um… I don’t know. He didn’t say anything about it to me. Did he say something to you?”

“Nah.” Dean said, shaking his head. Dean was silent for a while before speaking again. “I think maybe he does know about us… if our… relationship wasn’t fairly obvious, I doubt that there would be ‘Sam-slash-Dean’ girls.”

Sam marinated with that thought. “Yeah… I suppose you’re right.”

They rode in silence for a while, each with his own thoughts. Dean eventually found them a motel and he signaled his turn into the lot.

Once in the motel room, Sam and Dean each got ready for bed, separately and without talking. Sam slid into bed and rolled onto his side. Deep down he hoped Dean would slide into bed with him, but emotionally he was prepared to sleep alone. 

When Dean came out of the bathroom, before turning out the light, he looked at Sam… well, technically he looked at his back. He knew he could take Sam turning his back as a rejection of him. But the amount of space behind Sam said volumes… there was certainly enough room for Dean to join him. Dean knew he had a decision to make.

He turned off the light and followed his instincts, sliding into bed behind Sam and wrapping his arms around his brother. From the way Sam relaxed back into him, Dean knew he’d done as Sam had hoped. Things weren’t entirely right between them, but it was better to embrace the little happiness they could find in one another than to let the distance and anger fester.

Dean planted a soft kiss on the back of Sam’s neck, causing his brother to sigh sweetly. “Love you, Dean.” Sam whispered.

“Love you, Sammy.” Dean whispered back.

Sam rolled over and looked at Dean. He used a finger to trace a pattern on Dean’s cheek. Then Sam ran his finger across Dean’s lips, firing off the nerves and causing Dean to shiver.

“I miss you. I miss us.” Sam whispered, his eyes betraying the sadness he’d been feeling in recent weeks.

Dean reached up and threaded his fingers through Sam’s, bringing his hand over his version of their matching tattoo.

“I’ve missed us, too.” Dean whispered back. “I hate when we’re not on the same page, Sammy.”

“Me, too.” Sam nodded, wondering if they’d ever get on the same page again. It was terrible to think they may not.

Dean pulled Sam to him and they held each other, with so much left unsaid, as they fell asleep in one another’s arms.


	23. Jump the Shark

Sam and Dean watched Adam’s body burn. Dean thought about how Sam was more like his father than he could have ever hoped to be. At one point in his life, Dean would have considered that to be a good thing. 

Now, he wasn’t so sure.

It was a bit like his biggest dream meeting his biggest nightmare. Dean feared for Sam’s safety. He feared for both of them and all the things that may lie ahead of them. He wished he knew what the future held for them. At least he thought he did. 

On the other hand, his figured he may not want to know.

“It would have been nice to know Adam.” Sam said, his voice low.

Dean scuffed his boot in the dirt, thinking about the brother he’d never know. Finding out they had a brother had thrown Dean for a loop. It had always just been him and Sam. Part of him hadn’t wanted another familial relation to interfere in that dynamic. Another part of him agreed with Sam.

“I guess. I think it would have been a little weird, frankly. It’s just been you and me… always… I gotta be honest, Sammy… I was jealous of you teaching him things… spending time with him. I know it’s stupid… but that’s how I felt.” Dean had felt left out, like he was replaceable. 

Sam considered Dean’s words. He was thankful that Dean was putting voice to his feelings. So often he just held them inside instead, where they could fester and morph into anger, rage or a complete shutting down of Dean’s emotions. 

Sam had seen it all before. More than once.

Sam walked over to Dean, wrapping his arms around him from behind. 

“It was nice being the older brother for once.” Sam said softly. “I’ve never been the one to teach you anything… it was good to feel like I could help someone.”

Dean understood then that Sam didn’t realize just how much Sam had taught him. He’d taught Dean how to care for someone before himself. He’d taught him how to be a man. Maybe Sam hadn’t taught him tactical things, but he’d taught Dean the biggest lessons life had to offer.

Dean turned and pulled Sam into a hug. “You don’t think you’ve taught me things?” Dean whispered.

Sam shook his head but said nothing. 

“You taught me how to love, Sammy.” Dean said softly. “You taught me the most important thing of all.”

Sam leaned back and looked into Dean’s eyes, searching for the truth. He saw the honesty in Dean’s eyes. Sam leaned down and kissed Dean gently. He let the kiss linger but didn’t deepen it. Things had been so turbulent lately, he wasn’t sure he should.

But he wanted to. So much. He missed the feelings… the ecstasy that they shared whenever they were together physically. Being with Dean like that was the single greatest joy of Sam’s life. It’s where he felt he belonged.

Dean kissed Sam back. He didn’t deepen the kiss either. This connection wasn’t about sex or passion. It was about love and Dean put as much love behind his kiss as he could.

Sam finally broke the kiss and pulled Dean close again, holding him with his eyes shut tightly. He was going to savor this moment of oneness with his brother. At the end of the day, if they had nothing else, they’d always have each other.


	24. The Rapture

“Guys! This isn’t funny! Hey… guys?” Sam yelled from within the iron-clad room. Dean and Bobby looked at one another and turned away, retreating back upstairs.

Without saying a word, Bobby grabbed two beers from the refrigerator and handed one to Dean. Bobby popped the top off of his bottle and took a swig. 

“Ya know,” Bob said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “I couldn’t believe it, when I read your text. Drinking demon blood…” Bobby shook his head and took another sip of beer. He’d never expected to deal with a crisis like this – especially not with his boys.

Dean kicked a chair out from the table and threw himself into it. 

“Fuck.” Dean said under his breath as he wrenched off the top of his beer. He downed half the bottle in one gulp. “I couldn’t believe it either, Bobby… I looked over and he’d cut the neck of the demon bitch… and when he turned around… there was blood all over his lips…” 

Dean paused thinking about how many times he’d kissed those very same lips. He felt revulsion at the thought of how many times Sam must have put those lips on Ruby… sucking her blood as they fucked. Dean downed the rest of his beer and slammed the empty bottle on the table. 

“Fuck!” he shouted, his heart breaking.

Dean stood up and paced the kitchen. Below, Sam was screaming as he detoxed. Silent tears flowed down Dean’s face as he walked back and forth, trying to run away from his emotions and the screams coming from downstairs. Bobby watched Dean from his position, leaning up against the counter. When Dean paced by him for the fifth time, Bobby reached out and grabbed Dean’s arm.

“Talk to me, Dean.” Bobby demanded.

Dean looked at Bobby with wide eyes. And then the real tears came. Dean sobbed and his body shook as Bobby pulled Dean into a hug, saying nothing.

Dean held onto Bobby and let his pain flow. His little brother was downstairs in pain and Dean was here, his heart breaking on so many levels, with no way to help his brother except to wait for the detox to be over. And after that? Dean didn’t know what came next.

Bobby led Dean to the table. “Sit.” Dean sat. Bobby brought him another beer and took a seat across the table from him, waiting for Dean to speak.

After a while, Dean looked at Bobby. His face was a mask of sadness. Dean looked down at the table and started talking. “I don’t know how this happened, Bobby… but I know it started when I was in hell and Sam was doing everything he could think of to get me back.” Dean sighed and took a sip of his beer.

“Sam and Ruby… she got Sammy hooked on… her blood.” Dean sighed and swallowed past the lump in his throat. “She got him hooked… on her.” Dean whispered, his voice raw with anguish.

Bobby didn’t need Dean to elaborate, and it was clear he didn’t want to, so Bobby remained silent, letting Dean speak in his own time, in his own way.

“I tried to pull him back… I tried to give him what he needed… but…” Dean paused, reining in his emotions. “I wasn’t enough. For him.”

Bobby stared at his beer. “Dean… you are what keeps Sam true. What he does, he does for you. My take on this? Sam wants revenge against Lilith for sending you to hell. And he means to get it – for you. You understand that you mean everything to that boy, don’t you? And I do mean everything.”

Dean looked at Bobby. It was there in his eyes. “You know.” Dean wasn’t asking.

Bobby nodded. “Yeah… I’ve known for a while. Since that night in Cold Oak. Probably before that though, too, if I really think about it.”

Dean looked away, shame roiling through him. When he was with Sam, he felt no shame. When they were together and no one knew they were brothers, Dean didn’t care if people knew they were together. Dean thought back to the night when he’d taken Sam out in Minneapolis. He’d been proud to show the world that Sam was his.

Bobby, though? That was different. Way different. Bobby had practically raised them. He was a second father to them. He shouldn’t have to know about this… it had to disgust him. Dean felt tears gathering behind his eyes again, but this time for a whole different reason.

“Hey.” Bobby said. Dean couldn’t look at him.

“Dean… look at me.” Bobby waited until he had Dean’s attention. 

“I’ve had time to think about this. Lots of time. You boys ain’t got nothin’ to be ashamed about, ok? The way to two were raised, the closeness you had to have to stay alive… the proximity… I saw hints of this once you two hit puberty. And I’ve watched you both lose one another… and that love you have? I’ve never, not once, seen anything like it.” Bobby reached over and patted Dean’s hand. “It’s ok, son.”

Dean said nothing, but he felt the tension in his gut release a little.

“I mean it, Dean.” Bobby continued, his voice sure and strong. “You two were made for each other and, in my opinion, there ain’t no one else out there for either of you. Not really. So… you keep fighting for him and he’ll keep fighting for you. Don’t ever doubt it.”

Dean nodded, unable to speak for fear of breaking down again.

Bobby stood. “Now. We gotta figure out how to detox Sam while we stop the Apocalypse. That shouldn’t be too hard. Just another day at the ranch, right?” Bobby patted Dean on the shoulder and walked out of the room.

Below, Sam screamed in agony while Dean sat, using all of his strength to keep himself in his seat, upstairs and away from holding Sam in his arms and comforting him as his body eradicated the demon blood inside him. 

For Dean, it was almost as bad as being in hell all over again.

For Sam, it was hell on earth as his body reacted to the detox and the pain of knowing that Dean wasn’t going to trust him again any time soon. Or, maybe ever. He didn’t know how everything had gone sideways, but he knew he was to blame.


	25. When the Levee Breaks

Dean lay on the floor of the hotel room, writhing in pain. Not just physical pain, no. But severe emotional pain. He’d issued an ultimatum – telling Sam that if he walked out that door, he should never come back. And Sammy? His Sammy had looked down at him and had walked right out the door.

Dean rolled over on his side and folded in on himself. The sobs came, overtaking him. Sam had left him. His Sammy – the only person who truly mattered had walked out the door and he would never be back. Dean wrapped his arms around himself as he cried, rocking slightly, trying to find just a little comfort.

As he cried, he thought about the way Sam had so easily beat him up. He thought about Sam’s hands, which so often brought him peace and love… pounding into his flesh, hurting him. Over and over. And when Sam had wrapped his hands around his throat, Dean had just given up. He had thought that he was about to die by his brother’s hands. 

And then Sam let go. He let go of Dean’s neck and then he’d stood and walked out, letting go of them.

Dean felt like he was dying inside. He’d never felt so much pain. It hadn’t hurt like this when Sam went off to Stanford, disappearing from his life for years. It hadn’t hurt this much when his own father traded his life for Dean’s. This pain was on par with the agony Dean had felt as Sam died in his arms in Cold Oak. The difference was that, back then, Dean knew he was going to find a way to get Sam back.

Now, he wasn’t so sure he ever would. There was no deal to be made. Sam had made a choice and the choice hadn’t been Dean. Dean didn’t know what to do with that.

Dean rolled over onto his back. He rubbed his face with his hands, wiping away his tears. He stared at the ceiling, thinking about the last time he and Sam had been together. Maybe if he’d let his anger go… maybe if he’d put his own shit aside and had just loved Sam more, they wouldn’t be where they were.

Dean thought about how many things he’d done wrong… getting Sam at Stanford, leaving Jessica unprotected. Not stopping his father from trading his life away. Not protecting Sammy at Cold Oak – letting him be killed, sending a series of shitty events into play. Dean was overtaken by sobs yet again. 

Sammy was right – he was the weak one.

When he was all cried out, Dean struggled to his feet. 

He had to go… every instinct in him told him that he had to find his brother… until he remembered that Sammy had left him. Sam made his choice… and as hard as it was, Dean was going to have to let him go.

For now.


	26. Lucifer Rising

Sam drank the nurse’s… the demon’s blood, preparing his body to take on Lilith. The blood was thick, the smell of it cloying and filling his nostrils with the scent of sulfer-tinged iron. It felt like heaven going down – he needed it so badly – but it also filled him with revulsion – for it, for himself, for his actions.

He pushed thoughts of the dead nurse out of head. He couldn’t let his self-hatred for taking her life overpower his mission. Once he cleared that thought out of his mind, it made space for worse thoughts to creep into his mind. 

He knew he needed to be strong, but once the memory invaded, Dean’s voicemail was on a loop in his mind, hurting him… it was death by a thousand cuts. Every word… everything ending in “You’re a monster, Sam.”

Sam choked down the blood, swallowing gulp after gulp, feeling the power surging inside of him. In his mind, he tried to picture Dean, proud of him for killing Lilith, stopping the apocalypse. Sam was going to win Dean back… maybe just as his brother, but maybe more… it didn’t matter. He needed Dean more than he needed air.

Sam drank down the blood to the very last drop. Ruby watched Sam come into his full power and she was thrilled with things going exactly how she had wanted them to go.

Sam dropped to his knees, hanging his head, trying to contain the power surging through him. He pulled an image of Dean to the front of his mind. Dean laughing. Dean looking at him with need. Dean looking completely sated after they’d made love for hours. Sam closed his eyes, trying to contain the power and hold back the pain.

He breathed deeply until he got his emotions in check and had the power under his control. He rose slowly and, without looking at Ruby, he walked toward the car. “Let’s go.”


End file.
